Yellow On Blue
by BabyJane14
Summary: It was her sapphire eyes that had first struck Lily, a shade of deep ocean blue. Who knew that such a little child could be the key to so many secrets and past hurt. A hurt that Chuck had never seen and Serena had never experienced. The underlying message
1. she's an ANGEL

Author's Note: Ok, so take yourself to 2012? ish? lol. I can't really say to much, the story will unfold it's self. thank you **Calie **for being amazing even when I bug you. :D **Lauren** and **Dana **also for putting up with my insanity. ok, so I think you will all really enjoy this! read and review!

"What were you two thinking? Dad you can't tell me you willingly agreed to this. Who the hell do you two think you are? Brad and Angie? Do you even know where this kid came from? Has she had her rabies shots? I don't need the thing biting me."

Chuck scoffed in the direction of the two year old child who was sitting very dejectedly on the couch looking around at all of the expensive things. Anyone could tell just by looking at the child that she felt terrified and out of place. Every time someone's voice would get a little bit louder her deep navy eyes would cast downward at her hands. She looked so timid, fragile, and alone, afraid to be in the new pace with all of the 'adults' speaking so loudly.

"Charles Bass cut it out or we'll see who fairs better when it comes to their inheritance."

Bartholomew Bass sneered at his son in a warning tone as the little girl looked up across the room at them. Turning into a much softer side of Bart Bass that was next to never seen he smiled thoughtfully at the two year old and gave her a little wave.

"You and Serena are both twenty two, Eric's twenty, we needed something to keep us young. Besides when we were shopping in the Los Angeles super market Lily fell in love with the child's eyes."

Bart looked over at lily who was bringing the little girl a sippy cup full of juice the sight brought a smile to his face. Of course things were hard but Chuck's childhood wasn't one that was very memorable. He'd vowed soon as the papers were filled out that this child's childhood would be completely different. He'd actually be involved this time.

"You two bought her on the black market? Well father, I must say that is priceless."

Chuck mocked as he lifted the glass of champagne to his lips and took a long swallow. He hadn't expected to be the first one at the house, Serena should have been. It seemed as though Dan and their child had held her up. That's what happened when you got knocked up at nineteen after revenge sex.

"No we didn't buy her on the black market, Chuck really, where do you get these silly ideas of yours?"

Lily was standing beside Bart now, her voice hushed as though the little girl would hear what they were saying and understand it. Chuck couldn't get over the irony of it all, for two people who hadn't been expected to last more then six months together it'd been almost six years.

"Father told me you found her in a super marke… Sis how lovely for you and Humphrey to join us, Lily was just about to tell us how she and Dad bought this kid off the black market."

With clattering and banging Serena finally walked into the Palace home, her hands full of Christmas presents as Dan followed behind. In his arms a hyper and over anxious blonde haired little girl who was already kicking to be put down on the floor to play.

"Clover Sadiah Humphrey, keep kicking daddy and Santa's gonna come back and take all of your presents away, and that includes taking Jewels back also."

All four of the other people in the room could see the hesitance in Dan's face as he said her full name. They'd all sworn that Serena had been on way to many different types of pain killers when she'd decided upon it. Yet somehow Serena still swore it was just because it was unique and different, because no one else would ever have the same name.

"Chuck stop being such an as… mean head."

Serena said as she censored the words in front of her daughter and brand new sister. That was her complete intention of how she was going to treat the little girl. That's what she was, her little sister. Taking her own four year old daughter out of her boyfriend's arms she carried Clover to the couch and sat down beside the little girl.

"Clove, I want you to meet your… um…aunt? This is Zeylee. Zeylee Natalya. Zeylee meet your niece Clover Sadiah and I'm your sister, Serena"

Zeylee had a completely expressionless face as she looked back and forth from mother to daughter then back down at her perfectly shined Mary Janes. The scared look on the little girl's face was clearly visible.

"So back to your story Lily, how did you find this one anyways."

Chuck asked focusing his attention back on the nosy story as he received a glare from Dan who made his way to the couch to sit with his girls and new family member. It took a lot to be around the Bass's on holidays, but being the father to a child in the family he had no other choice.

"Well your father and I were in Whole Foods to pick up a few things before the plane ride and we're standing in line at the salad bar in back of this women who's taking up far to much room when I notice this child in her cart. She's just sitting there sucking her thumb and looking at me with these big sapphire eyes. I mean look at her you two, she's absolutely precious, so, I complemented the women on her child's eyes and the women turned around and said, 'oh this one? She isn't mine. She's just a return to the orphanage. Adoptive parents couldn't handle her. They said she had a fierce temper but so far we haven't seen any of that. All she does is sit around and stare.' So after speaking with her something told me that this little girl was a very special little girl."

Lily finished speaking and Chuck rolled his eyes in a very un amused way as he turned again to face the child, Serena and the Humphrey two on the white couch.

"Well, welcome to the family brat."

Chuck ended with a shrug and Serena couldn't do anymore then send him a death glare. They hadn't gotten any better at getting along, rather they'd seemed to have only gotten worse with it all, it was sibling rivalry. Not that Chuck would ever admit that of course.

Rustling at the door seemed to break everyone's train of thought again as a miserable looking Nate walked in with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his Marc Jacobs jacket. His sapphire eyes were filled with fallen hope and emptiness, the way they'd been since she'd left him.

"Nathaniel! You're right in time to join the circus. My father and Lily decided that one rug rat wasn't enough. They've added another to the mix."

Serena had jumped up from the couch to run to him and throw her arms around his neck in a bumble of happy energy as she kissed his cheek never once saying the words merry Christmas. Everyone in the room knew how Nate felt about Christmas time.

"Natie, this is Zeylee, mine and Chuck's new little sister"

With a glowing smile on her face she introduced the little girl to Nate. Eric wasn't there yet so he didn't get to be a part of her introduction. When he got there he'd be in the bewildered surprise of meeting her also.

Nate moved away from Serena and knelt down in front of the child. Her appearance made an impossible smile came to his face. She had gleaming sapphire eyes, very light mocha skin from growing up in the Cali sun, that would soon fade even lighter with being in New York city. Her hair was a mess of dark chocolate corkscrew curls that hung loose around her face yet part was tied back with just a simple orange bow.

"Hey Angel"

Wincing as soon as the nickname came out of his mouth he shut his eyes, there were so many lingering things that went along with that word. However, there was something in the child's eyes that made it fit so perfectly.

"So they've told me that your name is Zeylee, I have to say that name is quite beautiful sweetheart and your middle name's Natalya? Well then, maybe you can remember mine then, I'm Nate."

For the first time everyone in the room witnessed as the young girl's face spread into a real full smile showing her dimples as she did so. Everyone besides Nate in the room stood surprised and taken back, Nate had been good for the first year of Clover's life, always there to help Dan and Serena with everything. After Christmas however his whole demeanor to life had abruptly changed.

"Zaylee, that's what Clover's name should have related to if SOMEONE had consulted me first. Funny you found a little girl with the name, whenever Vanessa and I talked about having children –not with each other- she always said if she had a girl she wanted to name her Zay-"

Serena, who was up from the couch and had handed her daughter to her Nana dug her nails into her boyfriend's side causing him to shut his mouth and stop talking right away. Christmas was a bad enough for memories Dan didn't need to make it anymore painful, even if he hadn't meant to. She still had such a strong presence in each of their lives everyday regardless if she was around or not.

"Dan, how about we go see if they need any help in um… the kitchen?"

She added quickly as she persisted to shut him up with a kiss as her hands grabbed full fists on his shirt as she walked backwards dragging him to the stairs up to her old suit leaving four pairs of eyes to follow them and try to figure out what the hell they were doing with the kitchen was down floors in the elevator.

"Your mommy and daddy are silly Clove"

Lily said as she closed her eyes and shook her head, her daughter had turned out better then Lily had ever expected her to. The little blond haired, brown eyed princess in her arms had brought a disastrous break up in an elevator, to a broom closet, to living with one another, a daughter, and a puppy. Everything seemed to be pretty well in the second Humphrey home.

All four sets of eyes stayed locked on the stairs never noticing the bright smile or little laughs that were coming from Zaylee on the couch as she now sit in Nate's lap as he whispered her stories and made her feel a little more comfortable being a part of the UES lifestyle.


	2. I'm not gonna lie, I can't handle it

Author's note: thank you for all of your reviews! please keep them coming! it's what keeps me writg. and howabout starting now you start telling me what you think. this first chapter starts out in the past, and then goes to the future. you'll see the differerence. enjoy!

* * *

_Chicago wasn't exactly a calm and quiet escape. The noise outside was by no means comforting and calm; rather, it was hectic and busy. Even dark nights were lit with frustrations and buzz. The half-broken wall clock read 3:48 AM as she unbolted and unlocked the door. A yawn escaped her lips as she finally made it into her apartment and rubbed her eyes. Three rooms; the living room, a substitute for a bedroom with a quilt thrown over the couch for when she had time for sleep, a cheep usually working bathroom and a small kitchen with a table and one chair. It was the bad side of the city, but for a struggling arts student she couldn't afford much else. _

_She had class in three hours, from six to four she'd be a student. From four to nine she waited tables, then from nine thirty to three thirty she helped the bartender at a bar on Cross Grove Avenue. Making sure all of the drunks got out of the bar half-alive and breathing in all of the second hand smoke; none of it had been what she'd signed up for. With sixteen thousand two hundred and change dollars due for tuition every semester, and eight hundred a month for the shit hole apartment, medical bills and food, standing on her own two feet and supporting herself was harder then she'd ever thought it was going to be.  
Slipping her denim jacket off she tossed it over the back of the chair as she yawned again and stretched her hands over her head, only to bring both of her hands down instantly when the 'popcorn feeling' began._

"_Oh not now, you"_

_She spoke in a tired tone as she shook her head and tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes. Walking to the 'everything' room she took off her sweater and her tee shirt leaving herself in the yellow tank top__. Layering clothes was her way of disguising it so no one would tell her she needed to calm down and think about not only herself. _

"_I'm thirsty, what do you say?"_

_When the popcorn feeling increased she laughed to herself as she slipped her hand across her abdomen. It seemed to be playtime rather then sleeptime for some people. _

"_I knew you would agree"_

_Taking the few steps it required to get to the kitchen she opened up the fridge and was only half surprised when the light inside of it didn't come on. She let out a sigh and reached for the light switch on the wall. Flipping it on turned out to have the same effect, when that didn't come on either. Miserably she turned her attention back to the fridge reaching in for the only thing that was on the top shelf. A glass convent store bought Starbucks frap she'd bought over two weeks ago when she needed a pick me up of energy. She took the bottle out of the non powered fridge and unscrewed the cap hoping that the milk in it wouldn't be sour and no good. Taking the sip as soon as it hit her mouth she hurried to the sink to spit it out. _

"_Don't worry, if I don't like the taste of it I'm not gonna make you suffer through it too."_

_Sighing and rubbing her stomach she shook her head at herself, things had just piled up and she couldn't get through any of it. She wasn't even sure how she was living from day to day anymore, the only thing getting her through was the one thing that had caused it all to be tough in the first place. _

"_Maybe we should take it as a sign that I need to finish my homework before class tomorrow then."_

_Picking up one of her books off of the table, the folder underneath fell to the floor and she, with a tad bit of trouble, bent down to pick it up. As her eyes recognized all of the paper clips and photos that were in the folder she instantly didn't feel like moving or doing anything else as she sat down then and leaned against the counter. Enclosed inside the folder that was now all over the floor were all different couples intrigued in adopting her little soccer player. She had to closer her eyes for a second as she pushed the folder away from her, wrapped her arms around her middle, and banged her head back against the counter. _

"_You know, there are so many things I wish I could change. Even you, no, especially you, it's just the wrong time for you to be in any sort of existence. Your just like him you know that?"_

_Shuffling through the papers for only a few moments more she decided she couldn't look at them any longer. Kicking the folder further away from it she moved her hands from her bump to the floor so that she could pull herself up from the spot where she sat. The cool metal under her hand stopped her and under the moonlight she could just make out the shape of the two quarters under her palm. _

"_Bumble bee, if you just wished those there you might have a very good point. Hearing his voice might just be a pretty good pick me up. Then maybe I can finally get some studying done and some homework."  
_

_She stood up off of the floor finally, the two coins in her hand. The floorboards under her feet creaked every time she took a step. There wasn't anything she could do about it. Reaching for her denim jacket she pulled it on over her tank top then made her way to the wooden door. _

_Locking the door behind her she stepped out into the seemingly deserted street. In the glares of moonlight casting down from the sky she could make out the rats across the street trampling around in search of food. The worst fact was they'd probably eaten better then she had all week. It must have been a good find of food since a few more scurried past her feet to join the rest, lucky for her she wasn't afraid of things like that. _

_The walk seemed like it was forever-long as she headed up the dark deserted path, dimly lit by flickering street lights. Dogs howled and barked in the background yet the quarters in her hand kept her walking. A had on her shoulder only just about made her jump, if someone was going to kill her now she'd half welcome it; it would put her completely out of her misery and expose her for all of her lies. That was only if they could figure out who she was. _

"_Baby, still roaming these streets, thought I told you how dangerous that was."_

_Benny was an old drunk that hung around the neighborhood after normal people had called it a night and were sleeping soundly in their beds. He'd bothered her a few times, asking for a hand out here and there. That was something that if she had the guts she would have done herself. _

"_Benny I told you, I don't have anything for you."_

_Her words were blatant and straightforward. She didn't have the softness that most people had, especially when she was starving and hungry. She winced as he put his hands on her hips and started to slid them closer to her stomach. That's when she jerked away and pushed the drunken man back away from her. Male hands weren't allowed to touch, not since his had so many months prior now. She could still hear his loving voice begging for their 'angel' for their 'miracle' that she'd humbly denied him. _

"_Not even one night, baby? We can make one another feel better."_

_Shuttering at his words she moved away from him faster, her arms wrapped tightly and protectively around herself as she headed to the payphone on the corner. All she needed was to hear his voice. She was sure it would make her feel a little bit warmer and more comfortable, as long as she could imagine his arms being so tightly wrapped around her. _

"_What are you doing? Having a lacrosse competition inside of me tonight? He'd be proud of you, that's for sure. Me on the other hand, if you'd calm down it'd be greatly appreciated."_

_Reasoning with the fierce kicking wasn't going to work; she already had a mind of her own. She shook her head again as she finally reached the top of the street safely, well she didn't die on the way there, but there was always the possibility of the way back. Reaching the payphone she leaned her hand against it for a moment; pausing and trying to decide if calling him was really the right thing to do. She couldn't hold back, she just needed to hear him. Slipping the change in one by one she took her time as she pressed the numbers slowly. It only took a fast moment to dial and connect, then again at four in the morning it shouldn't have been busy. _

"_Hello?"_

_Some female's raspy sleep filled voice came through the phone causing her to look at it for a few moments. She'd been expecting to hear his voice not the voice of some woman. It broke her completely as she closed her eyes in emotional pain and leaned against the top of the pay phone, phone still to her ear. _

"_Is anyone there?"_

_Not sure why she hadn't hung up yet she stayed there, phone to her ear as the tears that had been building up for months began streaming down her cheeks, she didn't cry, she never cried. At first they'd started out completely silent but as she let herself go completely her tears became more dominant and louder. She hadn't even heard the phone switching hands on the other end until she heard his voice. _

"_Oh my god, please tell me it's you. Please just say something."_

_His warm voice suddenly misted into the phone and she felt every bit of her fill with butterflies. The kicking even increased like she too could hear his voice.__ The kicking even increased like she too could hear his voice. With the past voice still in her head she couldn't even muster up the courage to mutter out a single word to him as she put the phone back on the receiver and melted to the ground in a mess of sobbing tears._

* * *

The convulsing tears could be heard from the hall as eighteen year old Clover stood up from the couch. Her long blonde hair swishing and waving as she jumped up from her grandparents couch and casually glanced at her parents and younger siblings receiving a knowing nod from her father as she rushed up the stairs to her best friend's room. it was Zaylee's sixteenth birthday, August 4th. Today was the first time she'd received the letter her birth mother had left for her so many years prior. The first day she'd heard anything about the mother that had given her up in hopes of giving her daughter a better life then she could provide by herself.

Clover didn't even bother to knock as she rushed forward into the orange and turquoise room and pulled the dark haired, blued eyed mess into her arms and let her sob into her chest.

"It's ok Zey, I'm right here"

She whispered to her best friend as she held her close and rubbed her back.


	3. When I kissed you goodbye it hurt

Author's Note: I'm so sorry that this took so long, I never expected it to. It's a longer chapter though! so the song that is in this Calie found after I'd worked out all the deatails and what not to it. it fitst perfect. it's called Brick and it's by Ben Folds. thank you Lauren for helping with all of this! it still wouldn't be posted without you. enjoy!

The bar had picked up a swirl of colors and faces as he sat on the stool for what felt like hours. He'd heard plenty of conversations and stories about this and that. when Nate had become a regular at Wally's he wasn't sure, but, it had been years now. Any little thing that would numb the pain for a while and make it all feel better made him crave it. It was past one, two, three, four shots and he was just feeling the effects. Sometimes it intensified his memories of what they'd once head, it brought him more of the what could have bees. Other nights the liquor made him hallucinate, making him think he actually had a them to go home to. Once and a while the alcohol would take it all away and for a little bit in time he wouldn't remember everything he'd lost.

He'd given anything in the past years just to make it go away for a little while. Going so far as letting Chuck pay for women to try and please him. They'd come and stay for hours on end but none of it ever seemed to work. The only one he'd ever wanted was her. Nate missed her uncontrollably and the fact that they'd been so close made him regret every breath he took.

College was something Nate could hardly remember, he'd gotten his degrees and what not but none of it had meant anything to him. Nothing ever meant anything to him anymore. When his father died of a heart attack the Christmas eve after everything had gone down Nate hadn't even cried. He'd spent a whole year of his life crying and refused to do it over something else. When his mother informed him that all accounts and everything were now in his name he nodded his head and tuned her out. As she added that she'd someday like to have a daughter in law and maybe some grandchildren he'd viciously told her to 'fuck off'. That was when the fact that the old Nathaniel Archibald was gone, gone for good and never returning.

"Come on Joe, one more"

His drunken and miserly voice begged as he pushed the empty shot glass away from him and motioned for the bar tender to bring him another. He'd spent hours there already, contemplating his life and wondering why the hell everything had gone the way it had.

"Nate, you sound to me like you've had more then enough."

Dan's voice in back of him made him turn to face the door of the bar and with a goofy drunken grin across his face he picked his hand up like a drunken cheerleader and waved it in Dan's direction. 'Yea, I've got him. Love you too' Dan mumbled into his cell phone before he hung it up and advanced toured the guy he'd become rather close to over the years.

Nate would have done anything to have what Dan had, he'd been so close to having everything that Dan had. If things had just been a little different he would have had it all.

"Nate, come on… I think you've had enough for the night"

Shaking his head he again motioned for the bartender to bring him another as Dan took a seat beside him with a loud sigh. He hated that he had to be the one to go out and find Nate like this every week. He'd always felt responsible for Vanessa's actions in leaving him. It would have been a lot different had he actually known the whole story to everything that had gone on before Vanessa had taken off from all of their lives more then sixteen years ago and everyone had seen the difference and impact it had made in Nate's life.

"I've never had enough Dan, it's because of her. She left and she destroyed me. Never mind the baby, that's all just a little detail in how badly I wanted her. We could have and would have had a family if she hadn't been so damn afraid of trusting me."

Dan looked at Nate as though he were insane, the words coming out of Nate's mouth weren't adding up to the Vanessa they both knew and loved. She wouldn't have done something like that to someone, ever.

"It all started on a fucking Christmas morning."

**6 am day after Christmas  
I throw some clothes on in the dark  
The smell of cold  
Car seat is freezing  
The world is sleeping  
I am numb**

_They were sitting in the middle of her dorm room floor on the bright colored round rug that didn't match anything else in the room. His hands were plastered on her knees as he'd been rubbing circles on her sweat pant covered legs for the past twenty minuets as she'd tried to summon the nerves and ability to pick up the three and a half inch stick. She'd sat there just looking at it, wishing it was would go away and the whole ugly moment would have just been a dream. This wasn't supposed to be how Christmas was spent. She'd promised him a tacky Christmas and he'd made her swear she'd take whatever he'd bought her. How all of that had gone so down hill she wasn't sure. It could have been when she'd called him at three in the morning cussing up a storm. By the time he'd gotten there at seven she'd been in a shocked state sitting there staring straight ahead at the calendar counting the days on it over and over. They never changed and the little red dot that was on or around the fifth of every month other month on the calendar was not on the month of December, nor was it any time in the twenty days following. _

_He'd gotten there and banged on her dorm room door as calm as he could do with the brown paper bag in his hand, though he had a feeling he was a lot calmer then she was behind the door. Even in the small convenience store he'd stopped at when the jet landed he'd been almost calm. He'd stood in front of the shelves at the store looking at all of the different types boxes as he'd ran a hand through his dark sandy hair thinking to him self that 'everything happened for a reason'. It was all a factor of fate, and wasn't fate what had brought them together in the first place? How could this have been so wrong? _

_Using the key she'd given him months ago he pushed open the door to find the room completely trashed. She had clothes out all over the place, pictures were thrown around in a careless manner, and water bottles were tossed onto the floor. He was worried, more worried then he'd ever been about her. He'd finally found her sitting on the chair in front of the calendar with her knees pulled to her chest as she looked blankly at the dates. _

_Completely taken back was exactly how he'd felt when she'd let him pull her up from the chair and hold her so tightly to his chest. He'd expected her to beat his chest defensively, taking out all of her nerves and pain on his chest. The fact that she hadn't started beating against him scared him. She'd just him so tightly and so close he wasn't sure if he was still breathing. She was shaking, not from crying but just from nerves. He'd lead her with just a simple kiss to her temple, without any words to the bathroom to put the kiss of death on the fate she already knew._

**Up the stairs to her apartment  
She is balled up on the couch  
Her mom and dad went down to Charlotte  
They're not home to find us out  
And we drive  
Now that I have found someone  
I'm feeling more alone  
Than I ever have before**

_That was how they'd gotten to the spot they were in now, sitting in the middle of the rug. She had her eyes shut tight with the hope that she was wrong and her suspicions were all incorrect. That the twenty missed days on the calendar were just because she'd written down a wrong date, or that it wasn't really Christmas. But as she took a sharp intake of breath she reached a shaky hand out and with one swift turn of the wrist flipped over the stick as Nate grabbed her free hand tightly as they both looked down at the results. _

_"Fuck"_

_Her voice was as strong yet weaker then it had ever been in a way. She'd never looked so horrified or distraught in all the years that they'd been together, or in some cases on and off. He felt her hand suddenly tense in his till he was pushed away as she scrambled to get to her feet and get away from him. _

_"Vanessa don't do this. Please don't do this."_

_Nate begged as he placed a hand on her shoulder trying to both comfort her and make her see that it wasn't the end of the world. There were far worse things that happened then the circumstances that were going on. He could make everything alright, she just needed to trust him. _

"_I don't want you to touch me"_

_Her voice was harsh and irritated as she jerked her shoulder away from him when he tried to comfort her. He could see all of the worry, pain, and disaster in her eyes as he reached out yet again to move a piece of hair out of her face. Hazel was flooded with glossy tears __and part anger and he just wanted to make it all go away. She jerked away from him again and turned her back to him so he couldn't see everything that was going on in her face, how all of this was killing her. Not a second of it was what she wanted and they both knew that. _

**She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere  
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly**

_"V, I know we didn't plan this. Hell, did Dan and Serena plan Clove? Why does this have to be the end of the world? Just take a second Vanessa, look at the big picture."_

_Walking closer to her again he didn't give her much of a choice as he put his arms around her upper arms so she couldn't push him away as he pulled her back against his chest. He held her wrists tightly as his lips whispered into her ear all the things that were suddenly on his mind. All of the images and prospective memories that could come of it all if she'd just for five minuets trust it. _

_"I know, I know this isn't planned V, but we did this. It took you and I to make that stick turn pink whether you like it or not we messed up. Why do we have to regard it as a mess up? I'd do anything for you Vanessa, you know I'd do anything for you."_

_He held strongly to her wrists as he held her tight as he could to his chest trying to get her to break down and see his way. Maybe if he held her and whispered to her she'd see what he meant and cave into his feelings. _

_"I've seen you with Clover Vanessa, your amazing with her. The way that little girl's face lights up whenever her auntie enters a room. why can't we have that? Come on Vaness, you and I both know we can do it."_

_She wasn't listening to him now, she'd managed to pull her hands up over her ears as she tried best to fill with anger rather then sadness. She wasn't about to cave into him, she'd done enough by taking a chance and falling in love with him. All of this was not any parts she'd expected or even wanted. They were twenty years old, twenty was far from the twenty eight she'd decided on. _

_"I don't want to be a mother right now. I don't want to be pregnant. Just stop this, please just stop. I don't want to have your baby Nate."_

_Her last string of words stuck a cord and she could see nothing but the pain in his perfect deep ocean eyes as she turned to face him. They both knew then what she wanted and what she was planning. He was crumbling in front of her and she'd caused it this time rather then him causing it to her. Rather then him pulling away like a normal distraught male, he held her closer and kissed the top of her head not wanting to let go._

_"Then we'll go in the morning, I'll take you to the clinic V. Just let me be there with you. I don't… I don't want you to do this alone."_

_The thing he really wanted to say was that he didn't want her to do it at all., but, it was her decision to make not his. Over the past few years he'd come to see just how much she meant to him, how much he loved her to no end. Nate would do anything to make Vanessa happy, even if it meant letting go of one thing he suddenly wanted so bad._

_"I love you V, I know you won't say it but I know you know I love you. I also know nothing's going to change your mind about the baby but please V, don't shut me out of your life. I need you. Please Vanessa I…"_

_He was both cut off and taken back when she kissed him. It was both hard and full of passion as he kissed her back, yet, something in his brain told him that this was it and that's why she was doing it. He wasn't about to stop her as they trailed it back to her bed room and felt into the orange comforter that had been visited so many times. _

**They call her name at 7:30  
I pace around the parking lot  
Then I walk down to buy her flowers  
And sell some gifts that I got  
Can't you see  
It's not me you're dying for  
Now she's feeling more alone  
Than she ever has before**

_Kisses had never been so painful, filled with passion, love, hurt, anger and remorse the entire time. Like they were both trying to make it all go away, trying to reverse time so that they wouldn't have to fess up to the truth about anything, so that this wouldn't be the last time. It wasn't a reality either of them wanted to face, as they laid in one another's arms they both knew it was true. This was the most difficult thing they'd ever done. _

_She was lying under him as he leaned on his elbows above her, stroking her hair back away from her face and kissing her forehead. Nate knew he only had a little while left before she'd turn solid on her decision again and kick him out for good. He didn't want to have to say goodbye, he didn't want to lose her. Nate could tell how tense she was, how afraid of everything that was going on. It was evident through every bit of her. _

_"You know V, we could do this."_

_He said venturing forward on, she was to tired to even raise her hand to cover his mouth. To emotionally exhausted to fight or do anything other then listen to what she considered to be his empty promises. Nate could hear and feel his heart racing in her chest against his own. Everything was completely silent other then their hearts racing and nervous breaths that were being taken. _

_"I know Vanessa, I know the timing sucks. But none of that changes the fact that what happened happed and now there's a… we're going to have… "_

_Every word that came out of Nate's mouth was hesitant. He was finding it hard to talk knowing it would all just be gone soon, he was afraid to attach himself more then he already felt attached. _

**She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere  
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly**

_"If you change your mind Vanessa we can still have it all. You can keep going to college, I'll take care of the baby. The baby doesn't mean everything has to be put on hold. I know how much coming here and making your movies someday is going to mean to you and I'll be the last one to ever hold you back from it. Just please V, please just give it a thought."_

_Vanessa was holding on by a string to every last bit of dignity she had. Most of her wanted nothing more but to crumble and cave to everything he was saying, to all of his promise. They'd been just fine since they were nineteen, their fights had become minimal, and he hardly ever forgot they had plans. There'd been so much change since the days with Catherine. There were parts of her that still held the grudge about it to him, part of her that was still built up not to let herself complately fall in love with him out of trying to protect her own heart. _

_"Nate, I can't have this baby with you. There are times when we still don't know what we're doing. There are points when being with you, I don't see that we even have a future together. We can't bring a kid into all that blur, we'll slid right back into the casual friends deal, with you forgetting about me and me being alone trying to raise our child. this, you and I… this whole thing needs to stop and the first move in making it all end is getting rid of this baby. We can't do this, we can't keep lying to ourselves. We're from different worlds Nate, two worlds that can't be put together."_

_Lies were showing in her eyes and he knew not a word she was saying was true. They'd talked a million times about how they'd broken the uptown downtown curse just as Dan and Serena had. He also knew just how much college meant to Vanessa, how she wanted to make it through unlike anyone in her family had. It was in that moment that he blamed himself for all of dreams. He knew for sure that he loved her, and he knew that he'd do anything just to be able to be with her. Even if it meant putting off their future, he'd wait a million years._

**As weeks went by  
It showed that she was not fine  
They told me son, it's time to tell the truth  
She broke down, and I broke down  
Cause I was tired of lying**

_"Then in the morning we'll go have the abortion, I'll come with you so you're not alone. Just today, this Christmas can we pretend that everything's ok? We'll just be in the moment for one day. You, me, and our baby."_

_Slipping his hand onto her stomach under the blanket he felt her completely freeze up. He could see in her eyes how close to caving she was. Then when one of their cell phones started to go off it broke her from her five minuet trance as she grabbed her quilt tightly around her and got up from the bed never looking at him. As she walked to the bathroom she never looked back at him and his eyes followed her the entire way. It was right then that he knew that there was no way he could change her mind. He was going to lose the two best things that had ever happened to him, he was going to lose her. Dragging himself out of bed he slowly got dressed and did his best not to lose control. He was torn between wanting to cry or wanting to destroy something, all Nate wanted was for Vanessa to think about everything that was going on. _

_He was sitting on the bed fully dressed with his head in his hands when she came out of the bathroom. She had a tee shirt on and the pregnancy test in her hands when she came over and sat by him. She was still shaking but he didn't hesitate to put his arm around her and pull her to his chest. _

_"I think you should go to the city, spend some time with your mom and dad. Give me some time to think about everything. I'll call you tonight before I go to sleep and we can talk. But please? I need some time to… process I guess."_

_Muffled and partly broken she whispered against his chest as he nodded his head. Hearing her say she'd think about it was enough for him as he pulled away from her and stood up. Leaning back into her he gave her one final kiss and poured everything he had into it. _

_"I love you Vanessa"_

_He laced their hands as he held on and walked away till he couldn't any longer hold onto her. _

_"Merry Christmas Nate"_

**Driving back to her apartment  
For a moment we're alone  
Yeah she's alone  
I'm alone  
Now I know it  
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly  
Off the coast and I'm headed nowhere  
She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly**

Dan was positive his mouth was hanging open in shock as Nate finished the end of his story. Dan could see exactly why Nate was so frail and broken now. It made him stop to think about his seventeen year old, ten year old, and three year old and the new baby Serena had just informed him they were expecting before he set out to track down their drunken friend. He knew how much his children meant to him, the day Serena had told him they were expecting Clover his whole life changed. He couldn't have imagined he and Serena fighting about not wanting a child. even clover who had been conceived when they were eighteen and born when they were nineteen never had a single doubt. It didn't matter what had to be sacrificed ever, a baby was an example of their love.

"She never called me that night. Instead she called me at nine thirty the next morning and told me her appointment had been at seven thirty. She told me it was over, she'd done it and there was no going back. By the time I'd gotten to her dorm room it was all packed up in boxes and she was gone."

With the end of Nate's sentence Dan urged the bartender over and gave the ok for a few more drinks. There were things about his best friend he didn't even know, she'd failed to mention them, then again, he hadn't talked to her in more then sixteen years. For someone he once knew everything about with no exceptions he felt suddenly like he didn't know her at all.

"I've done everything to get her out of my head and nothing works. Sixteen fucking years and I still have nothing. She left and she took everything I cared about Dan."

Dan just nodded his head as he reached for the beer that had been put in front of him. It defiantly wasn't the right time to tell Nate he and Serena's good news. Placing the glass back down on the top of the bar he rubbed his eyes for a second before turning his attention away from Nate who was nursing his drink. That's when he saw the dark curly hair heading for the door. As he did a double take and she was gone he figured that maybe his mind was just playing tricks on him.


	4. lies mess up lives

Author's Note: your reviews mean everything to me! pleaseeee keep them coming!

* * *

Dark chocolate corkscrew curls hung in her face as she read over the letter for the millionth time since it had been handed to her after a special birthday breakfast. Salty tears trickled down from her sapphire eyes making her very light mocha skin shine when she moved into the sunlight's vastly fading shine. She couldn't have cared less if she was supposed to be out with her friends and 'family' at some stupid upscale restaurant celebrating her sweet sixteen, she didn't much feel like celebrating anything. Tucking a stray curl behind her ear she brushed a tear from her eyes as the door opened without warning. She turned around on her stomach burying her head into the soft orange and turquoise quilt, wishing that it would suddenly develop a mind of it's own and eat her alive.

"Zeylee Natalya Van der Woodsen Bass, your mother worked hard for you to have a special birthday today and all you can do is sit in your room? Do you have any idea how many meetings I cancelled to be here? Do you have any idea at all?"

Zey's ocean deep eyes flicked up to Bart Bass's face and soon narrowed into a glare. She hated the sound of the given name almost as much as she hated the sound of the man's voice that was saying it. Zey did her best not to muster up a sudden urge to tell him to 'fuck off' and go pick on someone else. She didn't want to be hassled by him, as she felt she always was. Sitting up to face him she pulled a pillow closer to her and hugged it tightly.

"Zeylee answer me"

The man barked at her and she sneered at him biting her lip so that she wouldn't explode with words she'd get in more trouble for. She'd never asked to be a part of 'his family' she'd never have picked it if she'd been asked. Zaylee hated the cut out of being 'rich' she hated having money to please her every need.

"andare al babbo di inferno, non do un fotte"

She voiced out defiantly choosing only to call him father in Italian because it didn't break the beauty of the language coming out of her mouth. She watched the anger in his face flare up as his mind worked to process just what she was saying to him. By the look on his face he knew exactly what she was saying and he wasn't happy. He should have been used to her calling him an 'asshole' and telling him to 'fuck off'. They were words that came from her mouth almost on a daily basis.

"I don't send you to that god damn school so that you can learn how to swear at me in Italian. You're an ungrateful little brat Zeylee, Lily and I have done everything to please you and this is the way you re pay us? God knows where you would be right now if it wasn't for her. I don't give a fuck what it said in that god damn letter you got this morning. She may have given birth to you but she left you in a home where who knew what would happen to you. I bet she still didn't even give you her name. Lily and I are your parents Zeylee, whether you like us or not, I'm sick of your behavior."

Bart rasped out in a fury tired of the now sixteen year old always being 'ungrateful' and complaining about what she had. He and Lily both knew that it wasn't the things she wanted. Zaylee wasn't an ordinary child. She longed to be normal without money. Bart hated how she acted and he couldn't understand why Lily wouldn't give up on her.

"You don't give a fuck about me so how about you o back to pretending that I don't exist. The only reason you agreed to take me in in the first place was to make Lily happy. I've heard you two talking about it don't even try to fucking deny it."

Zeylee rolled her eyes and sneered at him as she made a fist and held onto her quilt tightly. There wasn't a moment in the day that she was grateful for what she had. The letter had proved it even more so to her that had her mother kept her rather then going up she would have been happier. Growing up without the money and fortune would have been the best thing in the world in Zey's eyes.

"We've put up with you and your shit for Sixteen years and you can't even say a decent thank you."

She shrugged her shoulders as Bart spoke. She wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of any of it. She didn't care what he had to say he wasn't her father. Not knowing who her father was counted more to Zeylee then Bart Bass did. The man didn't have an ounce of fatherly material in his body. That's why Serena and Chuck had turned out so different she figured. At least she could tolerate Serena more then she could Chuck.

"Now I suggest you get your ass up out of this bed, put on one of your fake smiles and get down stairs with the rest of the people whoa re here for you."

Bart tried one more time as Zeylee didn't even bother to listen to the words coming out of his mouth. She had no intention of listening to anything he had to say. She never had and now at the age of sixteen she had no intention to start. Turning on her stomach she heard him slam her door and she yawned burying her head into the pillows as she closed her eyes and wished that her life had been different.

* * *

_There hadn't been anyone's hand for her to hold, no one for her to scream or swear at, no one to share in anything that was going on. It'd been a long painful ten hours where her knuckles had turned white as she gripped the sheets. Up straight for almost forty-eight hours she just simply running on a mixture of nerves and adrenalin. She'd been brought in alone, and she'd been asked if there was anyone they could call to come and be with her. She'd denied and said she was in it alone. _

_It was the first scream, the first scream that made her heart jump. The doctor held up the little mess and his announcement of it being a little girl all Vanessa wanted was Nate there. Nate to be the first person they placed the child in the arms of. She hated herself for not just being with him, for leaving him that Christmas and not looking back. He would have loved this, he would have loved all of this. It was his little girl that was suddenly making her mark and her noise in the world. At that moment Vanessa would have given anything to feel him squeeze her hand and tell her she'd done a good job. _

_Rather in two days it would be Monday and she'd be taking her final summer exam at SAIC and this would just be a memory in the past. There no longer would be anxious little kicking to distract her from things, she'd be able to pull out all of her old clothes again. Her most fearful part, she wouldn't have a piece of Nate with her all the time anymore, she'd be free to let go from everything they'd had once upon a time. _

_"Sweetie, did you want to hold her? It's good for her comfort system if you do. But I understand if you don't, we can just take her to the nursery now."_

_The women's Texan sounding voice asked as she held the screaming newborn delicately in her scrub covered arms. There wasn't a doubt in Vanessa's mind to turn her away as she nodded her head and soon felt the baby placed down on top of her as her arms wrapped around the small wiggly bundle. On instant when the baby was placed into her arms she stopped all of her complaints and silenced herself in Vanessa's arms. _

"_Zeylee"_

_Vanessa whispered in an even warm tone as she glanced down at the still mess coded newborn that was now on her chest. This was a day she hadn't seen in her head, one that had always been fuzzy until this point right now. She'd never seen herself being only twenty-one, nor had she ever expected to be alone. Even if it was out of choice she'd never wanted to be all alone with it all. She knew he deserved to know, deserved to be here holding onto his child for the very first time since she'd taken her first breath._

_"She's beautiful Vanessa, you did very well."_

_The nurse said as she came back over after give minuets and put her arms out for the brand new baby and Vanessa held on tighter to the little girl. She wasn't ready to say her goodbyes to the little one that she'd kept under her heart for so long. _

_"You don't have to take her already do you? I didn't really have time to say…"_

_Nurse Carly shook her head right away as Vanessa loosened her grip on the baby and allowed her to be taken to the other side of the room while Vanessa kept her eyes locked on the baby. How she was going to say goodbye she wasn't sure. Zeylee was all that Vanessa had and now she was going to be left all alone with nothing._

_She couldn't tear her gaze away, since that fateful Christmas morning the only thing she'd wanted was for the baby to be healthy. That's all any mother wanted, mother, she wasn't a mother. She wasn't going to raise the baby se couldn't be counted as the baby's mother in her own mind. Ten minuets later her thoughts were pushed away as the nurse carried the baby back to her now diapered, cleaned, and wrapped in a turquoise blanket and matching hat. Vanessa was in complete awe as she was placed back into Vanessa's arms. _

_"Six pounds no ounces, very good apgar scores. I think se's a smart one it's for sure she's beautiful. Congratulations." _

_Giving her a final saddened smile Vanessa got lost in baby Zeylee again as she counted her perfect little fingers and toes. Everything about the newborn was new but so familiar. She found herself completely overwhelmed with emotion. As she bent her head just enough to place a kiss on the baby's forehead as her perfect bright blue eyes popped open and Vanessa could see every bit of Nate in them. _

_"You are absolutely perfect, you're just like your da… Nate"_

_She restrained herself from referring to him as daddy, to the little girl in her arms he was not the father and nor were she Zeylee's mother. Soon as the little girl was taken out of her arms and her name was nearly written on the piece of white paper all of her rights to the child would be signed away. _

_"Zaylee, it's almost time for you and I to say goodbye angel. You're gonna go to someone who can take care of you better then I can. I want you to remember angel, I love you, I love you so much. That's the reason I'm doing this. Because I can't give you the life or anything else that you deserve, I can't give you a moment of it. If Nate was here everything would be different. But he's not and I can't change that. It's to late now. But I love you, with everything in me. And that's why this is the hardest thing I've ever in my life done."_

_Vanessa was so close to tears as she closed her eyes and leaned her head down to her little girls. _

* * *

Zeylee picked up the pillow off of her bed and hurled it at her fourteen year old 'nephew'. He'd been annoying her for the past fifteen minuets and Zey knew if she listened to another word out of his mouth she was going to get up and choke him to death. Zeylee and Benjamin hadn't gotten along since the day he was brought home from the hospital. It could have been because there hadn't been a second since Zeylee had entered the Van der Woodsen-Bass that she'd gotten along with a certain member of the family. Zey and Blair had been at one another's throats since Zey smashed the tiara Blair had brought her as a welcome to the family present. Zeylee didn't do princesses and fairy dust.

"Benjamin Charles Waldorf Bass, get the FUCK out of my room!"

Zey screamed at him again as he lunged forward and bounced on the bottom of her bed again. Zey held back her ever restraint not to instinctively kick him in the mouth. The only thing that held her back was the fact that she didn't feel like dealing with another one of Chuck's lectures. Her 'big brother' thought he was God she swore. She'd been forced to attend all three of his weddings to Blair, every one more decorated then the last, two of which had been followed with divorces no more then five years later.

"Go find Jolie and Sahara, just leave me alone will you please."

Annoyed she mused on as she picked up and another pillow and smacked him with it. Jolie and Sahara were Blair and Chuck's two other children. Both age seven, both not belonging to the both of them. During the second divorce both Blair and Chuck had thought they'd found someone new to move on with, but, no one else seemed to be conniving enough to put up with their schemes besides one another. The Japanese prostitute had gladly given up all rights to Sahara Charlotte Bass to her father. Though Blair had never admitted it with Jolie Christopher's sandy blonde hair and bright blue eyes everyone had pretty much figured that maybe, just maybe Eric Van der Woodsen had gotten very drunk one night and had in fact slept with a girl.

"I swear Nana and Pops found you in a dumpster somewhere close to hell."

Sneering at her Benjamin fired back as his 'prince worthy' smirk etched across his face and he got off of her bed and picked up the orange fringy pillow and tossed it back at her.

"I don't think so, hell would be too close to you."

Zey rolled her eyes at his comment and held herself back from getting up and punching him. She didn't feel like dealing with Blair, they already hadn't ever gotten along. not since the day Zeylee threw up all over her shoes on Halloween when she was three. That was one thing Zey never liked, Halloween. There wasn't ever a year that she hadn't spent being dragged around by Nate who tried to ease her fears.

"Woah, what the hell is going on in here? Isn't it family peace, love, and bonding day or what ever?"

Walking right into the room and plopping herself down on her best friend's bed Clover stole a lemon head out of Zey's candy dish beside her bed and flipped on her iPod all as she sent her younger cousin a glare.

"Don't you have someone to go annoy Ben"

Clover rolled her eyes at him as she yawned once and shoved a head phone into Zeylee's ear only paying half attention to what was on as she raked her hand through her long blonde hair. A replica of her mother with the wits and intelligents of her father, the eighteen year old, like Zeylee wasn't like the other UES's they'd grown up with.

"It's Benjamin, Grass stains"

Trying to make a mockery of his cousins name he didn't succeed all that well as both Clover and Zeylee rolled their eyes. Sitting a few more moments in utter silence everything was soon disrupted by the sound of four little sets of feet running up the stairs as fast as they could. Jolie, Sahara, Sev, and Ever all barged into Zeylee's room without warning. Sev and Ever both ran straight to their older sister distraught as she opened her arms for the six year old and four year old immediately without question.

"Daddy and Mommy are fighting Clover"

Seven Crus Humphrey buried his six year old face in his sister's shoulder and clamped his eyes shut tightly. Clover could feel Ever shaking too. This was strange, her parents hardly ever fought.

"Ever"

Clover tried to sooth her baby sister but it didn't work as she started to let tears fall from her big green eyes.

"Forever True Humphrey you stop those tears right now. Mommy and daddy were just playing around. Your name wouldn't be Forever if they weren't"

Zeylee watched in awe of Clover, there were many points in the day when Zey would have given anything for a try at being a big sister. For a try at not feeling as alone as she always did. Looking at Clover she could see the sudden worry in her best friend's eyes. It was true, her 'sister' and brother in law didn't ever fight. What had possessed them to start now.

A sudden tapping at the door before it was pushed open made all seven of the kids inside the room look up only to be met with 'uncle Nate's' warn face as he did his best to put so much as a slight smile on.

"Ben, Jo, Hara, Sev, and Ever Ant Blair and Uncle Chuck are waiting downstairs for you guys, I think they have something really cool planned for you guys to do. Go ahead, hurry down stairs quick quick."

Nate said as she hurried them all out of the room and practically dragged Benjamin out. He knew quite well that Ben would try to protest and roll his eyes.

"Clover, I think you mom needs you."

His voice sounded almost dry when he said the word mom. Clover and Zeylee looked at one another confused. It wasn't like Nate to seem bitter to Serena, they were best friends. Then they heard it. The voices sounded distent.

_"How am I supposed to believe a word out of your mouth?"_

_"I did it because she asked me to."_

_"You're my wife, she's my best friend. You didn't even have the… I'm not doing this."_

Then there was a door slam and Clover got off the bed without a second thought as she few down the stairs to her mother's side leaving Zeylee looking at Nate completely confused.

"What's going on?"

Zey asked as she played with her blanket and studied him with her sapphire eyes.

"You sister, she um… she lied to Dan and I. Never mind any of that. Heard you fighting with Bart earlier, it's supposed to be your sixteenth birthday. Isn't it supposed to be a good day?"

Nate asked the girl he'd come to see as his little sister over the past sixteen years. Zeylee just shrugged her shoulder and rolled her eyes. Nate knew her stubborn antics pretty well over the years.

"How about you get up, throw on some clothes, and come with me to a movie premiere. You never know. It might be fun."

Taking the three tickets out of his pocket he handed them to her.

"Let me guess, one of these is for Kaylynn?"

She asked as she waved them in front of his face.

"Well, she is my girlfriend"

Nate shrugged as he took the tickets back from her and put them in his pocket.

"She's not your type Nate, I told you she seems like a classic Hollywood whore"

Nate shook his head and let out a sigh as he got up off of Zeylee's bed and made his way back to the door.

"Zeylee, just get ready to go."


	5. Not Loving you is something I can't do

Author's Note: Thank you Katie as always for helping me get this done! and YAY! now I can get working on what we talked about for chapter 5! Ok just a small note here, But my FAVORITE beyond anyone else on the show is Vanessa currently. and that's not going to change, I can relate the most to her and you just have to give her a chance. if you read book to ok I can see that it's a little hard but if you simply don't like her because she tried to come between Dan and Serena or some other crap like that GET THE FUCK OVER IT! it's old news. re watch the scenes fom the blackout and tell me that Vanessa hasn't had her heart stomped all over, and all because she wants to be with Nate regardless of anything else. so what if she's not a part of the UES's and doesn't have the money they have or if she's being used i CB's games with one another. she's just trying to get by like everyone else. they all need to have some flaws to be able to relate to them right? Jess is a great actress and don't down her if you don't lke Vanessa because that's rude and uncalled for. she was great in What About Brian. ok i'll end my rant here but i'm just saying if you Don't like V then don't open up my stories because you're not gonna find anything that you like. move on.

oh, and as for my story, everyone makes mistakes.

enjoy everyone

Manda

* * *

Zeylee slid out of the town car and threw a smirk to the driver. It was one of the few times she actually liked having money. Her tangled and tossed dark brown curls hung to her shoulders, pulled back with a simple diamond clip. Sapphire dangles from Tiffany's hung from her ears along with three studs on each side. Zey had always had a thing for piercing. Her cobalt blue strapless silk dress was almost dangerously short, it wasn't hard to tell that it was a total Clover pick. The dress pulled out the colors of her eyes and made them shine against the black bunched silk fabric under the bust that accented the cobalt color. The silver lace around the ankle three and a half inch Jimmy Choo's brought Zeylee from her five five height to an easy five eight. Her eyes were outrageously made up with bright blue eye shadow and bright sparkles by Urban Decay, all contrasted exquisitely to how her light tanned skin had become under the Hampton sun all summer.

Her classy heels clicked on the pavement as the silver charm bracelet Anne Archibald had added to every Christmas and birthday that the young Van der Woodsen-Bass had been a part of UES community clinked and jingled as she fixed the black clutch in her hand. Short stubby black painted nails made their way to her lips to smooth the MAC gloss as her sapphire eyes took a look around her surroundings till her eyes fell upon who she was looking for. Quickly she unclipped her couture clutch taking out her phone in haste.

**_Red hair today, did her stylist have a malfunction with the bleach?_**

Zeylee typed fast into the phone as she watched Nate pull away from Kaylynn's kiss at the feel of the vibration in his pocket she guessed. Sure enough he took the phone out of his pocket and gave a look around after he read it. Finally looking straight in front of him he spotted the now sixteen year old as she walked closer to him.

"What do you think your doing out in public like that? Zeylee Natayla I think you're missing fabric on that… thing. Can you please go home and change before I make you wear my jacket all night."

Nate shook his head at her as he pulled her into a hug and Kaylynn smiled one of her fake smiles that made Zeylee think her face looked like it was about to crack. Zey surveyed the phony red head and her pencil straight one shoulder black Nicole Miller dress. She was about five three and she acted more of a child then Zeylee, Zey had figured early on that it had to be all of the chemicals in her hair. The twenty-one year old stereotype dating the rich thirty-seven year old bachelor was so played out, but, this was New York so it seldom fazed anyone.

"Zeylee"

Kaylynn said in a fake cheery voice as she gave Zey a half sneer half smile causing Zeylee to make her own fake smile even brighter as she pulled away from Nate and looked solely at Kaylynn.

"Barbie"

She returned making Nate sigh as he put his hand on her shoulder and practically pushed her ahead of them and into the theater mumbling something or other she couldn't have been bothered to pick up.

"You promised me you'd be good"

Finally catching his mumbling she let out a throaty laugh as her smirk spread over her face and she turned just enough to bat her eyes at him in their fake innocent way.

"Oh, who are you my father"

Joking and looking away from him she never saw Nate wince. That was a name he was next to sure he'd never be called. He'd had his chance and the love of his life had thrown it all away. Leading him to have random rendezvous with whom ever he pleased for the past sixteen years and the rest of his life to come, nothing had turned out the way Nathaniel Archibald had planned.

"Don't be a smartass"

He warned as Kaylynn laced her hand with his and he quickly removed himself from her grasp to reach inside of his coat and pull out the tickets and a velvet box.

"Oh before I forget, Zey, this is from my mom."

Handing her the velvet box Zey squeaked out right away, the charm bracelet was one of the only things that was constant in her life that she appreciated. It would be her twenty-eighth charm from Anne with two from Nate himself on the bracelet now, the first one being a set of angel wings on her first birthday with Lily and Bart and a bumble bee from him again on her fifteenth.

"You two go in and find our seats, I'll be in in a moment… Zey, you better be good."

Kaylynn rolled her eyes and Zeylee stuck her tongue out at him as she looped her arm through Kaylynn's before dragging her into the theater without a second look. Nate inhaled a deep breath and shook his head as he watched the pair walk in.

* * *

Nate turned around to look at the number of guests in the lobby when he heard it, the laugh, that laugh that he could hear when he closed his eyes or in his dreams. The one he craved and missed every damn second of every day. It had to be just a dream, a missed hope that he was hallucinating just as he always did. Just to prove it to himself he turned to his left expecting for no one to be there, there wasn't a glimmer of hope in his eyes that she'd be there when he turned anymore. He'd left that wish and hope long ago.

His mouth nearly dropped open at the sight in front of his eyes. Hair was wavy, not quite straightened but not quite left to dry into his normal mess of curls like he'd grown so used to seeing. Even from the back he knew every inch of her. Nate wasn't sure if his eyes were deceiving him or not as he stood there taking in the image before him. The way the orange fabric clung to every inch of her tanned skin, how her dress was cut just short enough to give him flashbacks of all the time in her providence dorm room she'd straddled his lap in just a long tee-shirt just to work him up.

Even from the back he knew it was her, long ago he'd memorized every inch of her body. He could still remember it, every kiss he'd placed to her shoulder blades as she lay on her bed still hazy with sleep. All the times he'd run his hands up her sides and pulled her tightly back to him into a hug. Lying with her on the Brown field as they talked and she filmed the blue sky above them. In a simple glance he stood frozen as it all came back to him.

"Well without her we wouldn't have a production. She was the brains behind the whole thing. She's a graduate from SAIC and she attended a few years at RISD also. Real talent this one."

As the guy placed his hand on Vanessa's shoulder Nate listened intently. She'd done her dreams and became what she'd wanted to, all without him there to watch her.

"Mr. Mason really, this film was nothing Sophia being in the cast made it easy she's always on target when it comes to filming. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go get a new drink."

Nate listened as she spoke, every words out of her mouth was like gold to him he'd missed her voice so much. He still stood there completely immobile and stuck in her appearance. When she started to turn around it only worsted.

It seemed like a million moments in the split second it took for their eyes to meet. On instant almost at once sapphire was once again on hazel and the look on her face showed she wasn't expecting it just as much as he hadn't been. They both knew in their glances that they weren't sure what was going on. Both thinking it might have been some type of dream. He watched her as her face turned suddenly into complete guilt and fear.

"Vanessa"

He breathed out and took a step toured her and he could see her shake visibly.

"I… I'm sorry"

Was all that managed to come out of her mouth as she looked at him and her eyes suddenly filled with tears as she hesitated and tried to pull away from his gaze. All she wanted to do was turn and run. As she turned to do so he rushed forward and caught her wrist in his hand.

"No, not this time"

Stating firmly he held onto her tightly as he pulled her back to him turning her to face him. Their hearts were racing as their eyes were locked on one another not hiding any of the pain and torture in them. It was in that second the he slipped his hand to the back of her head and pulled her face to his. Soon as their lips met there was the spark that had always been there. The one that showed that no one else in the world mattered, she didn't pull away from the kiss rather she deepened it. Putting everything she'd locked up inside into it also. There was no talking, no thinking, no anything. Just the two of them standing there like nothing had happened.

"Come on"

She whispered pulling away from the kiss and fixing her lip gloss with her finger as she held onto the collar of his shirt and pulled him toured the entrance of the theater.

* * *

The screen of her cell phone read twelve forty nine, Nate had called her at eight and told her to have fun and he couldn't make it inside something had come up. He'd also mentioned to her that she was to be home at eleven, there were 'weirdoes out after eleven' and he didn't want anything to happen to her. She was also to go back to Anne's house, hers wasn't a good idea tonight. Clover had said Serena was a completely mess. What had happened Zeylee didn't know she only knew that Dan had been pretty angry when he walked out. Nate had seemed pretty tense about the whole thing too but Zeylee didn't bother to ask about any of it. It was the night of her sixteenth birthday she was out to have a good time and maybe break a few rules.

Zeylee was exhausted as she waved goodnight to Tom, Nate's driver and then headed for the door of the Archibald brownstone. Part of her was afraid Nate would be there to give her a lecture but he hadn't called her cell phone all night so something else had to have come up. For once he wasn't sitting over her shoulder playing guardian.

Turning the knob the door slid open with ease as she quietly tip toed in and shut it behind her being careful not to make to much noise and wake Anne up. Anne had done everything for Zeylee. Whenever Zey was to much for Lily to handle Anne had stepped up and taken the child out for the day. As though being around Zeylee kept her young. When the Captain died of the a heart attack ten years ago Zeylee had been the one to make Nate and Anne smile. The six year old had sat in the middle of the floor dressed in Anne's best clothes with all of her best makeup smeared all over her face begging them to play tea party with her. Never being able to say no to little Zeylee they did as she asked and even Nate let the little girl put makeup on his face.

"You are so lucky Nate's not here Zey, and apparently he'd busy because he hasn't called the cops to look for you yet."

Zeylee whipped around at the sound of Anne's voice. She had a guilty smile on her face as she turned around to face her. Anne's hair was up in a messy pony tail, an image not many people ever got to see of the Archibald woman. In pajamas and completely not put together as she normally was during the day. Zey on the other hand had seen it many a times, she'd even seen the side of Anne that painted her own nails and cooked her own food.

"I'm so so so sorry, I completely lost track of time."

She bit her lip as she put her bag down on the kitchen counter, unstrapped her heels and kicked them to the side of the room, then took the clip out of her hair and placed it on the counter too.

"Well I promise not to tell him if you get over here already."

Zeylee laughed as she walked around the table to Anne and gave her a tight hug.

"Happy Birthday sweetheart, how's it feel to be sixteen?"

Sighing she leaned her chin on Anne's shoulder just as she'd always done when she was a child after a long fight with Lily and Bart.

"The same as every other day, I don't know, it's just not special. Birthday's never are."

Shrugging her shoulders she stood up and made her way to a chair as she sat down with another sigh.

"How about this to improve it a little? Red velvet with pink hazelnut frosting right from Sprinkles"

A real smile spread across Zeylee's face as Anne pushed the plate in front of her with the one lone cup cake.

"Thank you for this, and, thank you for my charm. I love it"

Shook her wrist which now included the peanut butter cup silver charm, her favorite candy.

"Now, how about you tell me what you really want for your birthday. So I can put that smile back on your face Zey."

Zeylee nodded her head as she took a bite of the cupcake then a sip of the milk as she thought about the response. She knew exactly what she wanted and she knew that Anne would be just the person to help her with it.

"I want, I want to know who my parents are."

She took a deep breath as she looked at Anne a little unsure of herself. She'd wanted it for so long but it'd always scared her a little.

"Well, then I say we try and locate them."

* * *

Her five hundred and fifty dollar Shelli Segal orange backless dress along with her gold Mui Mui peep toe heels and the other black lacy Cosabella intimates she'd had on were torn off and strewn from the main door of his apartment all the way to the side of his bed. The clothing he'd had on were right along with hers, clearly nothing else had mattered last night as soon as their lips met. It'd been way to long since they'd been together and everything had just taken off as soon as they let their guards down. Every kiss had been heated and returned with the same amount intense and fiery passion on both ends. Every touch had been delicate yet charged with a certain blaze just as was still burning in hearts.

Even before she opened her eyes her ears were in tune with his heart beating in his chest. She could feel him pulling his fingers through her hair and she knew even without opening her eyes that he was wide awake watching her sleep. She missed feeling his eyes on her first thing in the morning when she woke up. Before everything went to hell that Christmas she'd spent every other weekend in California and he'd spend the opposite of that in Rhode Island with her. Everything with their relationship had been the best it'd ever been until that December.

Lying still on his chest she could feel his fingers trace the tattoo on the back of her shoulder. Twenty years old in California they'd both laced hands walking into the tattoo parlor. Even in the dark light of his room she'd been able to make out the small VA on the inside bicep of his arm. It'd been impulsive but not in the least bit stupid. Still to the date it made her feel wanted, and it always would she was sure. The way he paused and touched the black ink and let the tip of his finger linger on the V and trace to where the tip of her V led into the top loop of an N. The two letters were artistically written almost eighteen years ago, it was only fifteen years past that she'd added the Z that connected the two letters to one another. She felt his finger start to trace half of the Z and suddenly she got chills right up her spine causing her to shiver and give away the fact that she was still awake.

She knew he knew she was awake, it was as soon as he rolled partly on top of her and trailed his fingers down her naked side. Vanessa could feel is hot breath on her back as his lips got closer and closer to the soft skin. Then there it was, his lips gently pressed lines from her neck and trailed between her shoulder blades. As his lips made their way back up to her neck and then right behind her ear a smirk crossed her face as she kept her head buried in the pillow keeping all obscenities and any other mouthy comments to herself best she could.

"I've missed you so much"

Nate whispered in her ear as she shifted and rolled over to face him. As he looked at her, makeup smudged, hair matted and sticking up ever which way, and her perfect Vanessa smile idyllically on her face as she looked at him. He couldn't stop himself as he lowered his face to hers and pulled her into a passionate long good morning kiss, a kiss that she didn't hesitate to requite.

"I'm so sor…"

She wanted to apologize, she needed to a million times over and not even that would be enough to make any of it better. Nate didn't bother to listen to her or hesitate instead he leaned in for another kiss. They hadn't talked about it, they spent the night expressing how much hurt, pain, and love was already mixed in their lives.

"How about breakfast?"

Changing the subject he pulled away from the kiss and looked at her eyes. Something was still missing in the hazel eyes.

"Can't I just have you? I don't want to move."

Lying beneath him she wrapped her arms around his neck and brushed a light kiss onto his lips.

"Strawberries and Reese's puffs? Just like you always liked it"

She smiled at him, her fingers playing with the hair on his neck.

"You hate Reese's puffs"

Nate nodded his head and kissed her quickly again.

"But, it didn't feel like a home if there wasn't a piece of you with me V. If I couldn't have you and cereal was as close as I could get I'd take it."

That was the thing that struck her and she knew that she had to come clean and tell the truth with all of the lies. Part of her knew he was going to freak out and she couldn't blame him. A worry he'd never had before was going to be sprung on him so suddenly.

"Nate, I have to tell you something"

She looked away from him as he tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear and watched her intently.

"I…I didn't… I never had that abortion."

Vanessa felt Nate tense in her arms when she said the word, like the words never and didn't hadn't crossed his mind yet. It took him a second for him to double look at her and bite his lip as he always did when he was talking about something tough.

"If you didn't then… But Serena saw you only a few months after and…"

He drifted off and she knew that this would be the last part of their morning together.

"And I made her swear that she wouldn't tell you or Dan anything. I had the baby Nate, You have a daughter, we have a daughter. But, I um... I gave her up."

Nate let out a hallow laugh as he rolled off of her and put his hand over his face as though it was all just a bad dream he visited over and over again.

"You couldn't even give me a fucking phone call?"

She felt her heart break as she thought back to all of the days and nights she'd spent in Chicago. She watched him as he didn't say anything else to her he just got off of the bed and walked to his draws. Putting on a pair of boxers and sweat pants she wanted to erase their history and go back to the beaches in Calli or the rocky leave covered area of Rhode Island.

"Nate come on, don't do…"

As he put on a white shirt she held tightly to the sheet around her as she sat up.

"I'm going for a run"

He said blandly taking strides to the door of his bedroom and slamming out of it without another word. Leaving Vanessa in a mess of her own tears and pain alone in his bed. She'd messed up her entire life the morning she left him and she knew it. As she got up and started to put on her clothes from the night before she let out tears she'd been holding in for years again. All she wanted was to feel his arms around her like she had all night.


	6. A twist in the plans

Author's Note: I'm so sorry that it took as long as it did. the next one will not, i'm back in the swing of writing now and school's on a month long break as of next week. so here's the start of what I owe (: enjoy & review please

Serena sat in the kitchen looking through the paper and eating a parfait, she'd grown quite used to being alone on the weekends. The weekends were when Dan took their children without so much as a word to her. She'd been on her own for 5 weeks, ten weeks pregnant with their fourth child and she'd been alone since week five. All because she'd neglected to say anything for sixteen years about the fact that she'd talked to Vanessa after V had left Nate. On top of that she'd kept Vanessa's secret about not having the abortion. Being a good friend to one had gotten her in trouble with another and silenced by her husband.

Creaking on the stairs made Serena look up from the paper and glare at the one in front of her. She dropped the news paper and clicked her nails on the hard top of the table.

"Morning sis. How's the newest Humphrey spawn? Heard that ass this morning, or rather didn't hear much from him. That bastard really not speaking to you when he comes here to get your kids? Never thought you'd let him walk all over you that way."

Chuck smirked and walked to the counter pouring himself a cup of the coffee Serena had made early in the morning. He still didn't understand the point of not having it delivered. Serena had turned into a real Martha Stewart over her past married life. Chuck on the other hand hadn't changed all that much.

"So, tell me again why you're here"

choosing not to respond to his question she changed the subject as to why her step brother had shown up at their parents brownstone at two AM with a duffle bag of clothes and no prior warning.

"Well it's simple really. I mean, Hara had friend over, the boys were content in their rooms. It was midnight, there was no reason we couldn't have sex. But of course she had to be bitch Blair and say no."

Serena couldn't help but laugh as she shook her head, stood up from the table and rinsed her yogurt out. It was typical Chuck, and of course high class typical Blair, Serena should have seen it coming before she'd even asked.

"It's not like you and Humphrey never did the same thing."

Chuck smirked with his usual arrogant voice directing the conversation as Serena just shook her head at his comments and remarks. With the condition her marriage was in now it wasn't something she wanted to think about or go back to. Trying to push her thoughts out of her mind Serena started to wash through the dishes the kids had gone through in the morning.

All silence was soon broken by the clinking of two sets of shoes that hurried from the door and straight to the kitchen one sounded like it was walking in urgent haste.

"Miss Serena, I tried to tell her you don't like visitors lately but she won't listen to me."

Serena looked around Melinda and she still couldn't see anyone. The only thing they heard was the slamming of the first floor bathroom door. Chuck and Serena both suddenly looked at one another trying to figure out who the morning intruder could have been.

"Well, what's this mystery girl look like?"

Speaking for the confused look on his step sister's face he'd decided if no one was going to bother to find out then he would.

"She's tall, with curly dark hair and darker skin."

The moment the words came out of Melinda's mouth Serena and Chuck both looked at one another eyes suddenly locked. It couldn't be, how could she come back to New York after everything that had happened, after everything she'd done.

Sure enough as a few more moments past of complete silence as both Chuck and Serena debated in their heads what to make as their next move the bathroom door opened and the same hesitant yet determined footsteps were heard as they then came closer to the kitchen. Then there she was, Vanessa Abrams looked exactly the same from when they'd seen her last. Just a little older and her eyes showed more worry and nerves then they'd almost ever in the past.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me."

Chuck mumbled out as his pretentious eyes looked up at Vanessa's form less then amused. He knew of his best friends hurt that had all be caused by the dark haired beauty standing in front of him and he sure as hell didn't want to see any of it happen again.

"Nate said he'd seen you once, thought you would have fled by now. Isn't that what you're good at. All really that's all your good at come to think of it."

Serena shot him a warning glace as he took the queue to stand up from his seat and push in his chair with hostility.

"You hurt him again and I swear you'll regret the day you stepped back in this city"

As he talked into her ear Vanessa got chills up and down her spine that she tried to sake off as her hand gripped tighter around the object in her hand. She knew he was right, she had hurt Nate sixteen years ago, a hurt tat was still right there in his eyes and hart.

When the house door slammed Vanessa jumped only to look at Serena feel her green eyes in a deep glare on her face.

"I know… I know that you probably don't want me here either."

Serena put her hand up telling her to stop talking, she didn't bother to say any words as she pulled Vanessa into a hug. Regardless of the past Serena knew that she still needed friendships, especially if she and Dan were going to continue on their not speaking front.

"Serena, I um, I kind of have a problem."

Partly hesitating on her words Serena pulled back to look at her with a strained face. It was there in Vanessa's expression that Serena knew exactly what was going on, she knew that history was trying to cause it's self to repeat.

The sudden rush of footsteps on the stairs and the ringing of Serena's cell phone broke them both from their moment of truth. At the sound Serena stopped looking at Vanessa and rushed to pick up her phone a few rooms over as Vanessa dropped the small box and sat down in a chair leaning her head on her hand. The footsteps and mild swearing got louder as the person they belonged to came closer. Vanessa looked up just in time to catch the icy blue glance of a teenage girl. She saw as the girl's annoyed look vanished into shock and she rushed forward.

"No freaking way! Vanessa Abrams is sitting in my dining room."

Despite the day she was having V's face picked up in a half smile as she at the same time tried to figure out who the girl was.

"Sorry, I'm the youngest prisoner of the Van der Bass hell hole."

Zeylee muttered out as her blue eyes sparkled with resentment. Had Vanessa not been so caught up in everything around her she would have noticed the shade of blue Zeylee's eyes were. Vanessa opened her mouth to say something but was instantly cut off by the girl's quick speaking.

"I love the movies you direct, how they're love stories and everything but they're not shit like everything else in Hollywood, they have that real Indi feel to them."

Se stopped speaking for a moment again as Vanessa picked up the box in front of her and turned it over in her hands lost in her thoughts.

"And woah, you must be here to talk to my sister. Well if you're looking for advise on that matter I'll give you the truth. Never lie to your best friend about some skank who's nowhere near good enough for him. It'll trash your friendship and you'll lose…"

she trailed off on her thoughts as her cell phone went off and she looked down to check it.

"I want so badly to stay and talk but I'm the lucky sixteen year old that gets to play shrink and sobriety officer thanks to her and that bitch that screwed up one of the only stable people in my life."

Zaylee rolled her eyes as she dropped her phone in her pocket and turned on her heels to leave without letting Vanessa say so much as a single world in the entire conversation. Vanessa watched her leave as she stared after her still a bit bewildered and confused.

Using the key se knew he's stored under the doormat Zaylee let herself into Nate's apartment. The smell of stale beer was her first greeting, an obvious indication that he'd dismissed the maid once again. He'd been the same way for over a month and Zey was just about losing her patients with him. There were clothes and cups thrown all over the place and as she walked through she kicked everything out of her way. Nate was never this out of shape.

"Anne has called Lilly twice today alone Nate."

She announced as she got closer to his room expecting to find him sound asleep in a drunken stupor. It shocked her when her eyes fell on him sitting up straight at his desk. The small silver cell phone in his hand as he tapped his free hand impatiently on the desk in an aggravated manner, clearly he was not in the best of moods.

"I don't care if another PI has the records out. I'm paying you to find them. Damn it! it's been sixteen years and I don't even know my daughter's name. so you either find out more about my daughter and Vanessa or I will make sure your ass never has another job in this city."

Zeylee jumped at the sound of Nate's angry voice. She'd never been very used to angry Nate, it was a side that hardly ever showed it's self. He hadn't noticed her or paid her any mind yet at least. Nate just sat alone in his thoughts, his head in his hands. All the words that had come out of his mouth were foreign to Zey, Nate didn't have a child, not that she knew of.

"Zey, sorry, I didn't know you were here."

Nate said as he finally noticed her and his face took a fake bright smile. Yet, she could still see the pained expression that was held in his eyes. The hurt that was so evident from something Zeylee knew nothing about.

"I just got here, you know, to make sure you were still alive. After Kaylynn called me a few weeks ago and told me your dumped her you've been like dead, are you ok?"

Walking further into the room she sat down on his bed. There were photos and letters spread out all over the place. Being Zeylee she picked up one of the notes and let her eyes skim it. With the first few sentences she discarded it to the side, she didn't feel like reading gooey love letters. Then it was the picture that she started to turn over before her cell phone in her pocket made her jump.

Hearing Lilly's tone Zeylee groaned as she pressed the ignore button and looked at Nate who was shaking his head at her. Then a second sound went off, this time Nate's phone. As he took it out of his pocket and looked at it she could tell by the look on his face he didn't know the number.

His face fell emidiatly by the voice on the other end she guessed, but then suddenly he got serious as he snapped the phone shut and picked up his coat.

"Zey, come on… Serena's in the hospital."


	7. Straight to Hell

Author's note: this took forever and i'm not quite sure why, i'm sorry. good news though, I seem to be on a roll with writing this weekend. read it and tell me what you think? I always love reviews.

thanks (:

* * *

She'd been pacing back and forth on the hospital floor, back and forth back and forth. Her shinny blonde hair had been coiled and tossed in nerves and emotions as she waited for her father to walk into the hospital. Part of her was mad at him, mad at them both for acting like children. She was seventeen years old, she shouldn't have been worrying about how her parents were behaving, she had college and classes to consider and think about, not her siblings and parents.

Dan and Serena had always been happy, Clover, Seven, and Ever had always been well taken care of and happy. Clover could hardly ever remember a single moment when they fought for more than a day or two. Clover had learned early on about her mother's fear of 'going to bed angry'. It was a motto that Serena had always tried to follow.

"Daddy! Thank god!"

Soon as Clover saw Dan enter into the hospital waiting room, Ever in his arms and Sev by his side Clove threw herself at their father in a mess of tears. It only took seconds for Sev to glue himself to his older sister's leg, Dan to put his free arm around her and Ever clung tightly to her head. The whole small Humphrey family was in a mess of tears. Their usual rock had crumbled to pieces and was behind one of the hospital room doors due to the stress she'd been put under in the past few months.

"Sissy?"

Ever's frightened little voice asked as she looked at her sister with big brown eyes that were filled to the brim with tears. They were just a shade lighter then her fathers, yet just as irresistible to Serena and everyone as Dan's were. Ever had always had her way whenever she wanted it, all she had to do was say the word please and everyone usually fell to their knees around her.

"Is mommy ok?"

Dan kissed Ever's head and handed the light weight four year old to her seven year old brother who took her without a hesitation or question. He couldn't respond to Ever's question, he couldn't when he didn't quite know the response as it was. Sev would be the best one to take Ever's mind off the chaos and worry that was surrounding the Humphrey family. When Forever had been born Sev had jumped right into the role of protective older brother and it was still something he had yet to back down from. Sev reminded Dan so much of himself sometimes it was scary. It was almost like a mirrored image of what Dan and Jenny had been as children, only, Sev seemed to be even more protective of Ever then Dan had been of Jenny.

"Come on Ev, daddy said we could go find the vending machine and buy skittles remember. We can go get mommy starburst too. I bet that will make mommy smile when we get to see her, don't you think? Then maybe when we get back Clove will give you a piggyback ride around the hallways. If not we can always tickle her."

As father and daughter watched the youngest Humprey's curly brown head as she held onto her brother and bounced away they both had the same thoughts running through their heads. The same heartbreaking disastrous thoughts regarding one of the people they loved most and the family member they'd been anticipating coming.

"What happened Clove?"

Dan whispered as he hugged his eldest daughter tightly to him. Guilt and fear were the avid emotions blaring thought him and Clover could feel it. He knew he was the reason his wife was in the other room speaking with doctors and nurses. He was all at fault and he should never have left his wife over such a simple lie. They'd gotten past the whole lies thing back in high school they'd thought, old habits always seemed to die hard. He couldn't help but mostly blame Vanessa for it all, his best friend who he'd told everything to in the past. How they'd drifted so far apart for no reason what so ever soon as she'd started College made Dan miserable. She had a whole other life that he hadn't for the first time since they were six been a part of.

"Mom had been downstairs talking with Vanessa and the next thin I knew was that she had called me to her room to call a car, she said she was bleeding… bad. Daddy, I don't think that everything's gonna be ok and I don't think mom's gonna be able to handle it on top of you l-e-a-v-i-n-g."

Spelling it out to try to avoid Ever being able to figure out what she was saying her green eyes stayed locked on her father showing every depth of sadness they had in them. Dan felt the guilt swell to his own face as he looked at his eldest daughter, he never wanted to hurt any of his family and somehow he'd ended up causing them the greatest pain. Serena was never going to forgive him for what he'd done to her and he couldn't blame her.

The words Mom was talking with Vanessa hadn't even sunk into Dan's head, had he noticed that Clover had said Vanessa it would have just added one more place for his mind to go and stress himself out with. His runaway best friend was back after her disappearance had caused to much trouble as it was. As much as he missed her profusely he still had an incoming lecture to give her. Since becoming a father his lectures and expectations had only gotten worse than when he was a teenager.

As Clover explained in a fast blender of words as the door in back of them swung open and a man in a white lab coat and tie exited. They could tell by the grim look on his face that something was not right, it was almost all they needed for conformation. They both held in a breath for a moment as they looked at one another and nodded their heads. Serena was going to need all the support she could get they knew it. As long as Dan could get himself back on her good side then everything would be ok, at least they all hoped it would be.

"Clover, can you stay out here and wait for your siblings? I just, I need to make sure your mom's ok before she sees them, I don't want to hurt her or them more than they've already been put through today as it is. This is one thing that your mother and I have never had to deal with before. One thing that we hoped we'd never have to deal with."

Nodding her head she hugged her father tightly. She had always been daddy's girl. Lilly had always said it was because the fact that Clover resented her name, but, Lilly always did her best to poke fun at the names that Serena and Dan chose for their children.

"Don't be too hard on her dad, she's got it hard enough right now. I know she's made mistakes but we all make mistakes. She's lost more than enough lately can we please not add to her grief today? "

He nodded his head knowing full well what she was referring to, there wouldn't be a new little Humphrey added to the family for the time being the count would just stay as it was. The only thing they could do way try harder to stick together. With one final look at his daughter Dan walked forward into his wife's hospital room.

Clover leaned back against one of the walls as she looked in the opposite way of the hospital room to find Sev and Ever running straight to her. Without a word of exchange the three Humphrey siblings ran to each other and clung to one another tightly.

"Mommy and daddy are gonna be just fine… or my name isn't Forever"

The littlest said holding her curly head up high as she smiled a bright smile, she'd leaned from her mother's example of being always positive. Even through all of the seriousness of the situations at hand Clover and Sev couldn't help but laugh a little bit at their youngest sibling's sudden expression. Surly their parents would not have won the award for best children's names and if they'd ever filed for the award Clover was sure they would have been laughed at.

* * *

Nate and Zeylee had rushed as fast as they could out of his apartment and into a cab, with the day time traffic it had taken nearly an hour. Vanessa had sounded completely panicked, he'd had flashes of the phone call on Christmas eve, the night their lives had taken a path Nate wouldn't in a million years have picked. Nate wasn't sure if he could continue holding a grudge when it came to the voice resounding in his head all Nate wanted to do was melt to sixteen years ago. Regardless of the crap she'd put him through even after sixteen years of a lie he couldn't resist loving her. Nate's heart had never moved on from loving Vanessa. He'd tried a different girl every night in the beginning, he'd tried to fill the pain he'd felt. Nothing had seemed to help him fill any of it.

Of course Nate was worried about Serena, regardless if she too had lied to him she was still his best friend. In all the difficulties after Vanessa had left she'd been there every second of everyday with baby Clover in her arms trying to tell him it was alright. Though seeing Clover hadn't always made things right they'd both tried to make him smile. If anything happened to Serena Nate was sure he'd blame himself. He'd been the one to put her under stress. He felt like every inch of the things going on in his life and around it was himself induced, which in a way it all was.

Nate was completely lost in his thoughts till Zeylee cleared her throat to get his attention. Zey's short black nails tapping impatiently on the door as she waited for him to snap out of his trance, she'd never been one to be patient. She was half out the door of the parked limo in front of the hospital as she waited for the one person she'd counted of from the second he'd made her laugh for the first time to come out of his seemingly frozen state.

"What's wrong with you anyways? You haven't said two words since we got in the car. Did my sister pull a new act to get you and Dan to talk to her again? Or have you taken a page from Chuck's book and tried some type of pills. If that's the case don't talk to me. One Chuck Bass and Serena Van der Woodsen are more then this world can handle as it is."

Zeylee and Serena had never been as close as they could have been; Zey had never really been close to anyone other than Nate, Anne, and Clover. She had many issues when it came to the Upper East Side, and lately after learning that Serena had lied to Nate about some girl or whatever she'd lost all trust that she'd had in her sister. Not that that had been very strong to begin with. Zeylee kept to herself mostly, the one of a kid outcast.

"Zey, cool it ok?"

Suddenly snapping he nearly frightened her. Zeylee shut her mouth and looked right up at him with her mouth slightly agape. Nate wasn't acting or being like himself in the least bit and it was starting to scare Zey, she wasn't used to him acting this way. It was one thing he'd always hidden from her. All of his pain and anguish were things that only came out in the right company.

"What bit your ass this morning? Don't say some stripper or anything else you paid for because that would be something that I certainly don't want to hear this early in the morning."

She eyed him before sneering back, Zeylee could have just as sever an attitude as others Nate knew when it came to something that rubbed her the wrong way. She started to head away from him leaving him to shake his head at her stubbornness. Seemed like it was something she'd picked up from hanging around him and Anne to much throughout the years past.

"It's just your sister isn't the worst thing in the world, there could be something wrong with her or…"

Freezing on the words his eyes shut, Dan and Serena didn't know the pain of losing a child and yet Nate had more than anyone deserved to. it had taken sixteen years to try and heel and still it was something he faced every day. Even after he at 37, had come to the fact that he'd never again have a shot at it all, his shot was now sixteen years old and he didn't know a single thing about her.

"Or the baby?"

Catching onto his trailed off words she looked up at him and asked as she started to head in the door letting him stay back in his thoughts still. He'd been so out of it lately so much so that Zeylee didn't know if he was coming or going most days for the past few weeks. It seemed like it was ever sense the damn movie premiere he'd abandoned her at he just hadn't been the same. That was over five weeks ago now, so far being sixteen was proving to be more difficult then she'd thought. Watching her favorite person fading and coming back was starting to take it's toile on her also.

"yea"

His voice was rushed and quiet as he let the word settle into his head. His quiet responses were getting on Zeylee's last nerve and he could tell just by the look on her face. She looked like she was fuming and biting her lip from snapping and saying something that she'd regret.

"Why is it so hard to say the word baby? Two syllables. Nate, you passed the…"

But it had been for the past sixteen years the word baby hadn't been one in Nate's vocabulary. Even when Kaylynn called him baby as a pet name Nate had done his best to distract her from any further usage of the word, no matter what it had taken. After he's been so close to having his own baby, he'd been scared but ready for it. Ready to be a father and ready to be there for everything Vanessa needed. She'd just chosen not to let him. They were moments and facts that he woke up with every time he opened his eyes.

"Why are you so questionative today?"

Letting off his frustration he held the door open for them both to walk into the sterile hospital. He didn't understand why everything about hospitals were always so bland and uninviting. There was something in his gut telling him that something wasn't right and for some reason he couldn't put his finger on exactly what it was. Sure he wasn't a big fan of the hospitals but there was something more than that looming over his head and that was something he was sure of. He walked ahead of Zeylee down the maternity hallway straight to where Vanessa had given her rushed directions to.

"I can turn that right around and ask why you went from crazy drinking binges to practical asshole in a matter of hours. Maybe you shouldn't have dumped Kaylynn, someone sounds like they need to get laid."

As she rattled off she noticed that Nate had suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. She looked at him just to turn her head and see Vanessa Abrams who'd been sitting in her kitchen only an hour previous. Her own film idol, and apparently Serena's friend, so some people didn't have the best choice in friends it seemed. How Nate had put up with both Serena and Dan for so long she didn't understand.

"Well Miss Abrams I think I've gone over everything with you, you have pamphlets, the number here, and you seem to know all you need to. I'd like to see you in three week or I'd like you to see your OB in that time."

Nate and Zeylee stood there over listening Zeylee wasn't sure why but she knew that Nate was very content on it. She studied Nate's face as he listened to all of the words that came out of both Vanessa and the doctor's mouths. It was like he was a sudden stone figure in shock and unable to move.

"Thank you, and again, I'm sorry it was so short notice I just, I wanted to make sure the test was accurate before I told the father. I know five weeks is really early to do or say anything but I've put him through so much in the past he deserves to know. The last time we were pregnant was a very very long time ago and this time's going to be completely different… I hope."

Nate's eyes were completely glued to Vanessa as she stood with papers in one hand and her other hand attached to her stomach. His perfect blue eyes grew wider as he observed and allowed the words and facts that were in front of him to sink into his head. It was clear by the words that were coming out of the woman with the white lab coat's mouth that Vanessa was pregnant. Then, he wasn't sure if it was because he didn't want it to be anyone or maybe his gut was just sure, something was telling him that this was their second chance. It didn't matter if he hadn't been with her in sixteen years, just from the one night they'd shared he knew she was still his Vanessa. She hadn't changed a moment.

Before Nate or Zeylee knew what was going on Nate was walking forward. Zeylee hung back scratching her head, she hadn't even known that they knew one another. Nate was behind Vanessa then, he gave his usual irresistible smile to the doctor as he put his hand on Vanessa's arm letting her know he was there, and he'd heard what they'd had to say. He recognized her movements as she suddenly froze up, out of knowing what it was like the last time he suddenly slipped his free hand to her other arm, making it so if she tried to run she wouldn't get anywhere without making a scene.

Vanessa knew he was what she wanted, this was what she wanted, but she couldn't help herself. Part of her wanted to run away, she was scared to face him so soon and already. Maybe it was better to do it in public anyway. Shutting her eyes she let the memory in her head surface.

* * *

_"Then in the morning we'll go have the abortion, I'll come with you so you're not alone. Just today, this Christmas can we pretend that everything's ok? We'll just be in the moment for one day. You, me, and our baby."_

_With the words out of his mouth she felt him slide his hand from where it had been on the bed beside her to suddenly resting on the flesh of her stomach. His thumb was right beside her belly button rubbing back and forth. It was then that the first surge of pain took over, the dull sharp pain in her abdomen. Coming back into reality her head took a few moments to start catching up with what was going on. As soon as she did she was on her feet and out clutching onto the quilt as she dragged her way into the bathroom and leaned with her back against the door breathing increased. Between Nate messing with her head and making her want to cave in and the strange twinges going through her body like cramps around her time of the month, Vanessa was losing it. Part of her wanted to resort to curling herself into a ball and crying and the other wanted nothing more to just ignore the world around her and just pretend it was a good Christmas with Nate. _

_Another cramp came as Vanessa bent down to pick up a tee-shirt off of the floor to throw on. Her mind was beginning to fuse into minor panic. As she stood up her and leaned her hand against the sink the first thing her finger tips came in contact with was the pregnancy test they'd taken. Vanessa could barely remember how it'd gotten back in the bathroom in the first place. _

_She put the tee-shirt on over her head as the cramping persisted, her mind started to wonder if something was wrong, if there was something wrong the last thing she wanted was Nate there. Vanessa didn't want him there for the abortion cause she knew his eyes would show his disappointment. She was sure that if god forbid anything happened to the baby the same disappointment would shine right through the perfect sapphire blues. He already seemed so ready and set with the baby idea. The last thing she needed was so see how badly hurt he was._

_With her shirt on she knew she had a problem to take care of, she needed to hurt him and make him leave somehow. As she walked out of the bathroom he was sitting on the bed fully dressed with his head in his hands. Vanessa clutched the pregnancy test tighter in her hands. She was shaking for a number of reasons suddenly. So many different ones she felt as though her head were on the track to exploding. Taking a seat next to him he wrapped his arms around her and she took a breath breathing in the scent of him and everything that went along with it. She loved him too much to break his heart but it was something she didn't have a choice but to do. Her head was on his chest as she held onto him tightly_

_"I think you should go to the city, spend some time with your mom and dad. Give me some time to think about everything. I'll call you tonight before I go to sleep and we can talk. But please? I need some time to… process I guess."_

_Muffled and partly broken she whispered against his chest as he nodded his head. There wasn't much for her to think about, she knew that she either needed to have the abortion or maybe fate was already working with her and her body was rejecting the pregnancy as it was. A part of her broke at the thought of it, the thought of something happening in that way. She knew she'd resured him when she'd said she'd think about it. She knew as he stood up and his eyes shown it. _

_Leaning down again he captured her lips in one final goodbye kiss, only she knew that it would be there last. The passion and hurt that was poured into their kiss was mutual, it was a silent knowing between both of them that things were over. _

_"I love you Vanessa"_

_He laced their hands as he held on and walked away till he couldn't any longer hold onto her. She felt her eyes start to prick with sadness as he said it, she felt like she had no right to say it back, she'd let him down too much._

"_Merry Christmas Nate"_

_Soon as the words slipped from her mouth she knew she'd never say the sentence the same again, at the same time she knew he'd never hear it the same. Now all it did was signal the end. As she watched his figure retreat she put her fingers to her lips letting her finger tips linger on where his lips had been. They'd screwed up, now the only way to get through it was to either destroy her own dreams or his. She wasn't sure she was ready to sacrifice everything just yet. He'd been the one to fully introduce her to her dreams and wants, to show her that college was something she needed if she ever wanted to share the things she saw of the world. Now, she was so wrapped up in the world he'd presented to her she wasn't sure if she wanted to let it go so soon. Having the baby, the baby would have taken away her chances. No matter what Nate said about it, she'd have been the one to take care of it… the baby. _

_Had it happened in eight years it all would have been alright. They wouldn't have been twenty, they would have been somewhat ready to give up their party ways and think about more than just themselves and each other. She'd even have admitted that she was being selfish, but he wasn't seeing the clear picture, he wasn't seeing everything that he would have had to give up in order not to fall into the same routine that their parents had fallen into. Lying, cheating, not ready to settle down, that wasn't the way she wanted to live. _

_With the parents they'd both grown up with she she wasn't sure what life was supposed to be like once a baby was around. Serena and Dan couldn't even get it right, Clover was stuck on weekly visitations with Dan. That was the last place she wanted their life to head. She didn't want to turn into the overbearing mother who refused to let her child out with its father and its father's girlfriend. That wasn't the life Vanessa would choose._

_Nate's father embezzled money, caused his wife and son hell and was addicted to illegal substances. Her father was a drunk who had a tendency of picking up bar sluts regardless if her mother was home with her and Ruby or not. Vanessa had too much dignity for that to happen. What was a father really supposed to be? If they both didn't know how did they rise above it how could they do it?_

_"What the hell have I done?" _

_She mumbled to herself as she put the pregnancy test down on the table beside her bed and sat down with her head in her hands. The look on Nate's face was plaguing her. How hurt he was by her want for an abortion, her want to just postpone their family starting by just a few years. It wasn't like she was saying she wanted to put it off forever, she just didn't want to be a mother now. She wasn't ready for any of it, and most of all she didn't think she could be the type of mother a child would need. _

_Lying back on the bed she pulled the orange comforter up over her head inhaling his scent along with it. Vanessa just wanted to reverse the day, go back to the past weekend, before she knew she was pregnant… back when everything was still ok. The cramps she'd been having before Nate had left had suddenly subsided. One of the first pregnancy rules she'd learn was to limit her stresses. She pulled the quilt down and put her arms crossed over her chest with her eyes shut. She wished he was still beside her, part of her, a part that was starting to resonate more and more with her wanted his hand where he'd slipped it before the phone had broke their moment. She couldn't explain why the thoughts were hitting her; the last thing she wanted was to feel any of it. But, before she could shut her mind down she'd pushed down the quilt and put her hand over her tee shirt. _

_"You know, you suck at timing. Couldn't you have waited eight years"_

_The last thing she wanted to do was talk to it, maybe if she just kept telling herself that she was just talking to herself her emotions would still stay isolated. The better part of her knew they never would let that happen though, even if the silence was getting to her there was something else nagging at her also. _

_"This isn't your fault, I'm sorry, I'm just not ready for any of this. For you, I'm not ready for you. I'm not ready for any of this and I'm scared. I'm scared of you, I'm scared of him, I'm scared of losing everything he's built up for me, for us… this whole thing, god, it's so messed up."_

_Words and sentences weren't even making sense in her own head and she'd broken her own rules. She was talking to it, she was talking to the baby. With no intention of stopping, she'd finally found someone that would listen and not give her any opinions. _

_"He loves you already, you know that? He loves you and that's what scares me, because he's making me think. You know what, I can't do this."_

_She shut herself off then and pushed the quilt completely off of her throwing her legs over the side of the bed. This was one of the many days she was thankful she'd pulled whatever strings he had against her wishes to get her the single dorm. She passed through her bedroom back into the half living room. Kicking away water bottles she finally found her cell phone and quickly dialed 411. _

_"Planned Parenthood, Providence Rhode Island"_

_It didn't matter that it was Christmas day, she needed to have things done and taken care of before another day passed and she grew anymore attached to the one thing she wanted to teach herself not to have anything to do with. If she could further herself from becoming attached to it then what she knew she had to do wouldn't have been so hard. Jotting the seven digit number down quickly with pen on her hand she knew that she needed to make a decision. The decision, no matter what it was would be the one decision that would shape her life. _

* * *

"Vanessa"

She hadn't even turned around yet but she knew she didn't have to, she could hear his emotions in his voice, see his face as clear as she remembered the haze she'd been in that Christmas night. Feeling his hands slide from her arms to her waist Vanessa leaned back into him. She couldn't run this time, she didn't have the energy to. running had been what had ruined her life the last time. Being pregnant with Nate's baby for a second time had to mean something. Sensing the private moment the doctor bid a silently communicated goodbye to them both. Soon as the doctor was out of sight Vanessa slowly raised her hands up in surrender.

"If you let me go I swear that I won't run this time."


	8. The Funny Way of Fate

* * *

Author's Note: ok, so this took way longer then I meant for it to. I'm so sorry about that. My life is very crazy at the moment and concentrating on other things isn't something I can do lately.

Read and enjoy! Reviews are always loved

also, be on look out! I have a new story coming on, it's to be called **Under The Stars **and Chapter one should be up by weekend's end I believe.

xoxo

Manda

* * *

Anne Archibald kneeled down in front of her dearly departed husband's grave. Since his passing and Zeylee's insisting on keeping her young Anne wasn't the same high strung women she'd once been. Her blonde hair was down and it blew in the wind as she ran her hand over the grave clearing away the dirt that had amounted on the headstone. It was late September and somewhat unusually warm for being near October. Once a week, every week Anne had made it her job to visit her husband. No matter how much of a low life he'd been during most of their marriage she'd still been married and committed to him. Normally on a morning visit Zeylee would have been with her. Even since she'd gone back to school she'd snuck out of her first couple of periods to have a smoothie and some breakfast. Zeylee's grades were always too good for anyone to complain.

When Lily and Bart had come back they hadn't thought of everything that had gone along with being parents again. They'd both had business meetings and vacations scheduled that did not include taking a child with them. Serena had saved her from the nanny only to have her scream till everyone in the house was up. It turned out that for four years before the Captain passed on it was almost as though they'd had the daughter she'd always wanted. That was of course, when Nate was away at school or on vacation, because, whenever Nate was around there was no place else the little girl wanted to be other then hanging around with him. That was when past regrets surfaced and she really had wished that they'd had a little sibling for him.

Anne didn't bother to open her mouth as she just looked at her husband's grave. There were no words needed for most visits, it was just out of courtesy. Something she'd done since his heart attack and death, there wasn't much to tell him from week to week anymore. Then out of the silence the platonic ringtone sang out. She knew without taking it out of her pocket that it was the call she'd been waiting for. It had been days since she'd asked for the favor, it was about time that the call came in already. Glancing only once at the phone to confirm that it was in fact who she was waiting for her held the phone to her ear.

"Good morning Janette, were you able to get what I asked you for?"

She didn't even need a formal hello. All Anne Archibald wanted was to bring a smile to Zeylee's face. If just having the names of her biological parents would do that then Anne would do it in a heartbeat. The sixteen year old seemed even more behaviorally erratic then she'd been in the past. She'd never been the happy little girl she could have been. It was all with the feelings that she never felt like she really fit in anywhere, Anne just wanted to bring some comfort to her mind.

"Anne, I have to ask you. You never said you had a suspicion about these results. Why didn't you tell me you did? We've been working together since he was a little boy. You should have said something to me."

The way Jan was mumbling on the other line had Anne completely confused. What could Janette have been talking about. The only thing Anne could come up with was that her suspicions when Zeylee turned twelve, with her eyes and tempter Zeylee could have easily passed for being her late husband's daughter. No, even if the captain was at times unfaithful he would have said something. Anne knew it, he hadn't been that smart to hide it in life.

"Jan, what are you talking about?"

Anne didn't want to play guessing games with herself and as the seconds ticked by it felt like the longest conversation of Anne's life. Jan wasn't talking suddenly, she was completely silent. Anne figured she was attempting to figure out her words, perhaps how to break it to her that her husband had been having an affair behind her back.

"Anne, you've been more than just someone I work for. You've been a friend to me and I've been the same for you. I swear I watched him his entire life and I never saw this… I never expected any of this."

Anne still didn't comprehend what Jan was saying, and she wasn't a dumb person. She brushed her hand along her husband's grave un sure of exactly what to do or say regarding any of the matters, could the results really have been that bad?

"Jan, what's going on? Please, just tell me what her files say."

Anne's patients was being tested suddenly. She just wanted whatever news her PI had to be out in the open already. Whatever she needed to tell Zeylee just needed to be out in the open. How bad could it be? There wasn't anything that could change her mind on the child she'd watched grow up. That was one thing that Anne Archibald was completely sure of.

"The girl you asked me to look up and get more information on, she's Nate daughter. Zeylee is your granddaughter Anne."

Anne nearly lost hold of the cell phone in her hand, it couldn't be, how could Nate have not said anything and acted his entire life as though he didn't know the little girl that looked up to him for everything was his. How could Anne have missed it? All the ways Zeylee had acted like Nate over the years. Zey's eyes, the same bright shade of blue that Anne's own mother had had possessed when she'd been alive. Nate's eyes. Everything about her was just like Nate, how could she have passed that by so easy. How could Nate have looked right by it all? Oh she was going to kill her son.

* * *

_"Healthy as can be, I'd say you're about nine weeks along. The baby's seems to be a good size and from all looks and sounds seems very strong and healthy. The bleeding and cramping I'm going to have to say are from stress and strenuous activities. Your pregnant now honey, your body needs to tell you to calm down somehow. But, I wouldn't say it's anything to worry about unless the bleeding gets worse than the spotting it is. You just need to take it easy."_

_The women in front of her explained as she coasted the device along the gel on her stomach. Vanessa was hardly paying any attention to the words that were coming out of her mouth; her eyes were locked on the screen to the side. It was moving, heart beating, proof that inside of her something truly incredible was happening. There was a sinking feeling that she couldn't for the life of her get to go away. A feeling that told her Nate should have been there. He had every right to be there looking at the screen that had taken half of him to create. Sure it was the wrong timing, but, looking at the screen she felt an unexplainable connection with the embryo inside of her. Hands gripped the paper sheets underneath her till her knuckles were nearly white, it was all more real then she'd thought it would feel. Growing inside of her was her baby, their baby. An actual living thing that depended on her to take care of it already, every bit about it was strange and surreal already. None the less she knew it was there, twenty-one years old and nine weeks pregnant wasn't exactly how Vanessa wanted to see herself in her fourth year of college. Being pregnant wasn't something she'd wanted to experience till her live was all mapped out and she was completely settled down._

_"You're sure everything's ok? I mean, the bleeding, I read up last night and it's not normal… I just, I'm scared."_

_Her voice was genuine, as genuine as her fears were. Hearing the doctor say that everything was ok just wasn't enough. Vanessa felt herself slipping into overprotective mode for a little thing that she hardly knew, for a baby she hadn't even wanted to knowledge in the beginning. Suddenly the only thing she cared for was the little bit of Nate she had to hang onto. As much as she hadn't wanted any of it to be true before this time she knew there wasn't anything she could do to change it. She was all talk and no action. The abortion she'd asked of him was the furthest thing from her mind. She knew now that an abortion would have been the last thing she could go through with._

_"If it'll make you feel better we'll keep you over night and keep an eye on your vitals. I don't see any problem with them though. Your first pregnancy, you should be a little afraid. These are big changes and from the way you first came in here I'm sure that this wasn't exactly planned. I'm just going to go grab a few things and then we can talk about your options. You do have options you know, it's not too late."_

_Options had been something she wanted twenty-four hours ago, before she'd come to terms with the fact that it all wasn't just a dream, a bad dream. Now she couldn't have really cared about options, they weren't anything more than just a formality of words. Her options were limited, limited to anything but abortion. There was no way she would have been able to go about getting rid of the baby now. Not now that she'd let herself get so attached to the baby growing inside of her. It was almost like the words Nate had said had grown on her, making her want it all to be ok. If only there was a way to have the baby and not let anything else be distracted by it. A way that they could go on as though everything were still the same while pulling ahead of the precedents their parents had put ahead of them._

_Watching the doctor walk out of the room she finished cleaning up the gel from her stomach so that she could sit up. Her right hand was planted firmly on her stomach, right over the spot the Doppler had glided across to revile the washing machine heartbeat. Even though the sound was off it was still burned into her memory, into her ears. Without another thought to what she was doing she reached with her free hand for her cell phone. His number was the first number on her speed dial as she pressed the buttons and head the phone to her ear. The rings took longer then she'd expected them to, he normally picked up on the first ring._

_"This is a Vanderbilt family meeting please call Nathaniel back at a later time, I'm sure grandfather takes precedence over some college fling anyways, if you ask me you've been around to long as it is Vanessa, goodbye."_

_Franklin Earl Vanderbilt III talked to Vanessa with as much distain as Grandfather Vanderbilt had for the unique brunette every time she walked into a room on Nate's arm. Hearing the click on the other line Vanessa instantly regretted trying to call him, she knew that he'd never get the message that she'd tried to call. God forbid family time was ever interrupted, especially by her that was the height of unacceptable behavior. That's when it occurred to her, under her hand was another added part of the Vanderbilt family. She could already hear her baby being called the bastard child, the one that shouldn't exist. The thought of her baby being involved in anything that went around in that family was more than enough to prove that being in any part of that family was the last thing she wanted or she wanted to put a baby through. They weren't pleasant, they asked of far too much from their offspring, and they hated everything that wasn't perfectly set. The baby sure as hell was not perfectly set, she could already hear them labeling the baby as the 'bastard'._

_She suddenly wasn't thinking as she swung her legs off of the exam table and grabbed her clothes to go and change behind the shaded part of the room. She wasn't thinking, a typical issue of Vanessa's. One of the reasons she'd slept with Chuck when she was eighteen. Vanessa's mind was working overtime as she changed into her clothes and made hasty plans in her mind to get out of the clinic, out of Rhode Island, and out of Nate's life as fast as she could manage it. She couldn't put her baby in the middle of the mess of the Vanderbilt family, Nate didn't deserve to be criticized for who he procreated with and the baby didn't deserve to be held responsible for their careless actions._

_"Vanessa? Is everything ok? I have a few papers to go over with you."_

_Spinning around quickly now fully dressed Vanessa's eyes feel upon the doctor once again in the room, her head slightly spun from the fast movement as she felt her way back over to the bed. Her thoughts were moving faster then she could get a handle on. There was only one thing she could actually do and not trash Nate's own reputation. Leaning her head against her hand for a moment before looking up she took a deep breath to calm herself and her thoughts for five minutes._

_"Yea, I um… I have a thing with my family I have to get to. Mind if I just take the pamphlets and make an appointment on my own? I'm sure I can read this all over by myself. I'll um, I'll be in touch soon as I can. Thank you for seeing me on such short notice."_

_Everything felt like it was moving too fast, like she was losing mind, all Vanessa wanted to do was run, to get as far away as she possibly could get. She knew that the only way to fix it and not wreck the lives around her was to deal with it all on her own and not to get Nate involved in any of the messes she'd brought on them, everything was in her corner to turn everything around._

_

* * *

_

"Vanessa"

She hadn't even turned around yet but she knew she didn't have to, she could hear his emotions in his voice, see his face as clear as she remembered the haze she'd been in that Christmas night. Feeling his hands slide from her arms to her waist Vanessa leaned back into him. She couldn't run this time, she didn't have the energy to. Running had been what had ruined her life the last time. Being pregnant with Nate's baby for a second time had to mean something. Sensing the private moment the doctor bid a silently communicated goodbye to them both. Soon as the doctor was out of sight Vanessa slowly raised her hands up in surrender.

"If you let me go I swear that I won't run this time."

Nate was hesitant at first but carefully he retracted his hands from her waist and lowered them back down to his sides as she turned around. As much as her looks from the first time were there, the nerves, they were defiantly there. There was also something else, there was the lit fire of excitement and the part smile that pricked at her lips but she fought harder to keep that at bay. Her mask of nerves was fighting and showing more by the moment as Nate stayed quiet watching her squirm.

"I um, I didn't know if I should have called you or not. I mean, I wasn't sure how you would feel about it all. I mean, it was one night and we didn't exactly talk about it. At least last time I knew where we stood. I don't… I don't even know if you're single. All I know is that this happened once sixteen years ago and I reacted the wrong way and I don't want to make the same mistakes again. What I did to you the last time wasn't fair, and I don't want it to be that way again. I mean, if you want to be here that is. If you don't that's fine too I mean, I don't expect anything from you. I don't want you to think I do, that's not what any of this is about."

Rambling had become one of Vanessa's specialties, Nate was having a hard time following how all over the place she was. His mind wouldn't stop thinking about what she was saying, she was pregnant, they were once again in the situation they'd been in before. Only this time here she was saying that she too was ready for it all to work much different than the last time. He could only watch her silently, his own shock written all over his face. A baby, he was going to be a father, this time it was all really going to happen. He was finally going to have the baby he'd wanted since the issue came up the first time. The baby with the only person he'd wanted it with, all he wanted to do was reach out and touch her again, to kiss her and tell her all the things he'd missed doing for sixteen years. Thoughts of the mistakes she'd made in the past were temporarily on hold as all Nate could think of was the baby she was carrying now. The little one Nate couldn't help but already think of as their second chance of the life he'd thought was completely gone.

"Nate, please say something."

Her eyes pleaded with him as she stood there, her hand glued to her abdomen. Knowing that under her hand her baby rested and developed was enough of a reminder for her to calm down and not stress over every little thing she normally would have. After the first hours surrounding finding out about her first pregnancy the last thing she wanted was a repeat of the incidents. She'd never done well in his silence, the first time she'd met his silence she ended up losing herself to him on a café floor in a matter of seconds. Every moral she'd had that night left soon as he shifted his blue eyes on her and helped her remove the yellow dress from her body. Now his face was making her shiver and shake with nerves as she waited for him to say something, anything. Even if it was to get out his frustrations on malfunctions of the pill she wasn't on or the condom they'd neglected to use, she didn't care as long as he stopped being a stone of silence.

"Is this real?"

With his voice a whisper Vanessa lifted her head to meet with his eyes, a little bit of fear mixed with an underlying spark of hope ignited in both of their eyes.

"Wow"

Never had he really been a man of many words as his eyes turned soft and she saw the raw emotion hidden behind them. As he lifted his hand to her face she closed her eyes and allowed him to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear before he put his hand on the side of her face and held still in the moment, the beginning of them being once again together.

"No running this time, no lying, can we please just avoid the disasters this time? Can we do this all right?"

Vanessa barely got to nod her head yes as he leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers his hands still on the sides of her face frozen in the moment.

"We're having a baby Nate. We're actually going to do this this time."

She whispered with her lips just inches from his, her hands holding onto fistfuls of his shirt as an unexplained calm washed over her and she could tell in his face he was feeling the same way. Everything was for the moment in its right places. It wasn't anything like the feelings they'd held over sixteen years before in the dorm room. Everything finally felt like it was for once right. The actions of the next few moments weren't something either of them could have expected, not in a million years.

"Woah, wait a second. Nate you just broke up with Kaylynn a week ago… that would mean you cheated on her."

Zeylee was next to them suddenly, her hands on her hips, blue eyes glaring into him. He'd almost completely forgotten that he hadn't come to the hospital alone in the first place. All of the new news around him had taken over his every last thought he hadn't even thought of being there because Vanessa had called about Serena. The news of becoming a father for real this time had brushed everything else away.

"I… um, I thought you didn't like Kaylynn"

He's turned from Vanessa, his hand still loosely locked with hers as he turned to Zeylee to explain himself. He really didn't have a way to explain himself, he had cheated on her. Now thinking it over he didn't regret it like he'd regretted his past instances of cheating. Nate hadn't ever had a scot clean record when it came to dating.

"That's beside the point Nate. You cheated on her."

The voice she remembered from Serena's place in the morning but it was the first time Vanessa had looked at the girl, really looked at her. There was something about the figure in front of her that she knew and she knew it couldn't have had anything to do with Serena and Chuck. There was no way the girl in front of her biologically belonged to either of the families.

"Zeylee Natalya Van der Woodsen-Bass, that's enough."

Nate's stern voice as he looked directly at Zeylee Vanessa hadn't even caught as her shock set in and she finally felt very light headed. She had to have been hearing things. There was no way that it all could have been possible, maybe she was still asleep, still dreaming. She didn't have much time to think about it as she watched Zeylee turn her back to them and head to the door.

"Zey wait"

Feeling him let go of her hand to go after the teenager Vanessa still in her slight daze followed after them, she needed to know for sure before she opened her mouth.

"No, you're no better than the rest of them."

It was like she was watching an image of herself at seventeen saying nearly the same thing to him only ever manner that Zeylee possessed, the way she carried herself was so much more like Nate's. Her sapphire eyes sparkled with resentment that she was sure had done the same in her own time and time again. There wasn't any mistaking it. They were outside now, the late September breeze hit her face and emotions and memories swirled around her.

"August 14, only, sixteen years before this year's movie premiere."

Obvious on both Nate and Zeylee's faces that she'd caught them both off guard they had identical expressions. Had the situation been a little calmer Vanessa would have taken the moment to laugh to herself at that thought. That same confused expression Nate had worn day after day of his adolescents, was now rewritten, rewritten on a sixteen year old girl whose face was the shape of her own.

"Why is my birthday any of your business?"

Zeylee snapped suddenly in Vanessa's direction, the quick tempted thing was something she'd right out gotten from her mother. That'd been proved on a few instances.

"You got a letter this year, your sixteenth birthday. Telling you that you were born in Chicago, your biological mother was a struggling arts student who'd screwed up her relationship with your father and it was far too late to fix any of it. She wrote that giving you up was the hardest thing she'd ever done, and it was something she'd already known at the time that she'd regret every day…"

As Vanessa trailed off something in Nate's mind suddenly clicked on and he was staring between her and Zeylee wide eyed. Vanessa shut her eyes, letting them burn for a moment before switching her eyes onto Nate who suddenly had his head in his hands as he shook his head.

"Vanessa, you've got to be kidding me."

The only response Nate could come up with for everything happening right in front of him. He felt like he was stuck in a slight nightmare. Suddenly the little girl he'd watched grow up into a stubborn teenager was so much more than just the typical girl he'd watched pushed and pulled around by the life of the Upper East Side.

"How the hell do you…"

Standing there looking from Nate to Vanessa she felt instant red come to her face, between all the mumbling about his daughter that Nate had done lately and the things she'd heard Vanessa saying she knew right away what was going on and what all the candidness suddenly was about. Zeylee wasn't sure if she wanted to scream or cry. Lies, she was always surrounded by lies. It should have been something she was used to. but this, knowing her biological parents had been something she'd always wanted this however, this wasn't what she'd wanted. She hadn't wanted to know that the one person she'd trusted regardless of the situation was her father and the one she'd looked up to the most in regards to the future was her mother. She didn't want to have any ties to the Upper East Side. They were heartless people, people to lied, stole, and cheated, this was stuff she hadn't wanted to be blood linked to.

"You've got to be fucking kidding me"

Zeylee's voice was razor sharp as it cut through Vanessa's ears tearing her eyes from where they'd been locked with Nate's. Vanessa wasn't brave enough to look at Zeylee, she wasn't brave enough to see all of the disappointment she'd caused.

"Zeylee, please, let me explain"

Starting to attempt to defend herself she took a step forward to the pair that were in front of her. Nate still had his confused and hurt expression while the anger was written all over Zeylee's face. looking back and forth between them Vanessa knew better then to move any closer, instead she took a few steps back again.

"Explain? Why should I want to hear a word that comes out of your mouth? As if you could explain for the things you've done."

With an acid tint to her voice Vanessa couldn't help but shutter, her arms instinctively wrapped around herself. Right in front of her was even more proof that this time she couldn't screw up like she had the last time. She couldn't hurt another one, she couldn't hurt Nate or herself again.

"So what? I'm supposed to feel better that you picked your precious films over me? That you put yourself ahead of your daughter and a guy that was head over heels for you? If that doesn't make you a selfish bitch then…"

She was finally expelling all of her anger and hostility that had built up over the past few years. After all the wondering who her parents were, why they'd given up on her she hadn't been expecting it to be this. She'd never been expecting this. She'd been over and over it all in her head, for good reasons why her parents might have given her up. But not parents that were twenty-one and had decent heads on their shoulders, there was no reason for them to do what they'd done. Nate's part in it all she could understand, not that she liked it. But Vanessa's, her film idol, the mother she hadn't known, she'd just abandoned her daughter without a second thought to any of it. She'd just up and left her without even telling her father. How was Zeylee supposed to come to terms with any of it, in the sixteen year olds mind it was pure bullshit and that was all. She was too frustrated and annoyed to look at it through anyone's eyes other than her own. Her own frustrations did well enough to mask over any looks Vanessa was giving her, or the dumbfounded expression written still across Nate's face.

"I hate you, I really fucking hate you."

Full of rage and furry Zeylee glared at Vanessa as Vanessa masked all of her feelings willing her tears not to come to her eyes, she knew she deserved the words no matter how harsh they were coming from Zeylee's mouth. Vanessa knew better than anyone else that what she'd done was wrong and every day for the past sixteen years she'd lived with it. To have her teenage daughter standing in front of her telling her all of the things she'd heard in her nightmares killed her but she knew every second of it was exactly what she deserved. She'd been the one that caused it all to happen, she'd been the one that lied first. She couldn't blame Zeylee for the words that were coming out of her mouth, she understood where she was coming from. It just hurt to hear it all put into actual words. She'd known one day she'd hear them, one day it would all happen.

"Zey, why don't you cool it a…"

Starting to put his two senses in Nate took a step forward to be in the middle of both Zeylee and Vanessa only to receive a set of sapphire eyes and a set of hazel eyes both narrowed to a glare at him. His eyes grew wide as he noticed the similar features that both had. Everything about them seemed to resemble one another, why hadn't Nate seen it before. Her hair, the shape of her mouth, her mannerisms, everything yelled Vanessa on Zeylee's face, everything but her sapphire eyes. Then as he opened his mouth to protest again the true proof that they were most defiantly two of the same came.

"Shut up Nate"

Both girls had turned their heads just the slightest to glare at the man attempting to cool the storm brewing between mother and child. He knew better than anyone how Zeylee got when she was angry, and Vanessa, the last thing he wanted or needed her to do was run again. Not when Vanessa was so good at running away during pregnancies. Nate was sure that would have been something that he wouldn't have been able to handle again. He'd already watched his daughter's life as a friend, it was the last thing he wanted to do with a second one. Not when just moments ago they'd felt so on top of the world.

"Trust me Zeylee, everyday for the past sixteen years I've known that I screwed up and made a huge mistake. It wasn't something I could change or I would have to be perfectly honest, I was too selfish and to not ready. It never would have worked. You don't understand half of what was going on in my head, or the mess you would have been coming into. You don't know what it was like sixteen years ago. We'd just started college; I wasn't ready to be a mother. We sure as hell weren't ready to be parents."

They were looking at one another again, looking at one another with the same bit of frustration and anger they'd had before Nate had attempted to cool them both down. Zeylee was about ready to break, something she refused to allow to happen in front of them, of either of them. Biting her lip she tore her eyes away from Vanessa's.

"Since you're so good at walking away you should know this gesture then"

She sneered as she turned away from both Nate and Vanessa and got into the car that had been waiting to begin with. They all needed time to calm down and get what was actually happening through their heads.

* * *

Barbara - I miss talking to you!

Izzy- i'm sorry it took so long :( hope it was worth it!

Francesca - I'm glad you liked it, hope you keep reading :D

and my three anonymous reviewers I hope you liked it, and I'm so sorry that it took so long to update, good news is next chapter is started!


	9. Water, Stuffed Animals, and Ice Cream

Author's Note: To all of my heroin addicts ;) specially Izzy and Francesca. hope it's not the worst thing

manda

* * *

_The weather outside seemed to be as dark and dismal as Vanessa's mood was as she pulled the now oversized black sweatshirt around her tighter and pushed her frizzy hair behind her ear not bothering to put up her hood. She couldn't have cared less about how wet she'd get from the down pour that was falling down outside. There were two quarters in her pocket, the one twenty dollar bill she'd had to begin with was gone practically as soon as she'd set foot into the hospital gift shop. If she couldn't have anything to remember her little Zeylee by other then mental photos she could at least give her the little white lamb with the red bow and how that it would mean something to her. Eighteen forty seven had left her with exactly two quarters and three pennies. What she was thinking she didn't know anymore, her heart was so broken and she was completely numb._

_Stopping by the nursery had been one of the worst decisions she ever could have made she decided as she put her hand to the glass of the window and watched as they took the little pink bundle with exquisite sapphire eyes and placed her into a carrier then handed her to a women with bleach blonde hair and a business looking exterior. Ever bone in Vanessa's body had told her she was making the wrong decision. But her name was signed in perfect messy cursive on the rights documents. Zeylee was no longer her child, she'd signed everything away. She refused to let her self cry as she stood there looking into the glass. She'd made the decision that was best for the both of them, she knew it._

_Pavement was a dark grey, soaked with the water that had fallen from the sky in angry drips. Even as the cool drops hit her face Vanessa felt as though she couldn't feel them. She felt so empty, alone, and completely drained of energy. Pushing herself she pretended everything was alright as she closed her eyes for a brief second and took a deep breath. It was a mile walk from the hospital to home, a mile walk Vanessa had to take all on her own, back to the beat up little apartment, alone, all by herself._

_"You made your decision, you picked school over him. It was your decision."_

_Vanessa reminded herself as though it would make her feel better, it failed to do so. There were so many times she'd wanted to crawl back to him and beg him to make it all go away. She knew that he would have if she'd asked him. But it'd been to long, she'd lied to him to much, she didn't think he'd forgive her for it. She didn't think he'd ever forgive her for not letting him know she hadn't had the abortion. It was obvious when ever she called him that he had a girl there. Even if he hadn't known it was her calling she knew quite well the sounds of random girl's voices whenever she called him. He never would have been ready to settle down and have a daughter. That's what Vanessa felt gave her the rights to give Zeylee a better life. Because they couldn't have done it together and she sure as hell could never have done it alone, she was having a bad enough time fending for just herself._

_Her ideal morning would have been to wake up and see him sitting at the end of the bed with their little girl resting so contently in her father's arms. Had she gone back in time maybe she wouldn't have fled on Christmas. Vanessa hadn't ever been the one to think things all the way through before she acted on them. If she had thought things through then she wouldn't have let him leave, they would have talked the whole abortion thing through. Giving their daughter up for adoption would have been just another thing that wouldn't have happened had she talked to him about it._

_She could hear him in her head, what it would be like if they'd been together. How there'd be a nursery somewhere all decorated for the likes of a baby girl. Nate would be so protective and careful of her, that's long as he wasn't afraid of how tiny she was. If she tried really hard she could see the smile on his face, the way a real dedicated father would look at his child. There was almost nothing now that she wouldn't have done to go back and have him know that they had a little girl._

_She was halfway home as she finally let it all get to her, right on the side of the road she couldn't help herself from breaking down. Her cloudy hazel eyes filled with unavoidable tears as she let them gush down her face. Why didn't she just tell him, why did she have to be too stubborn to let him take care of her, of them. They could have been together and nothing that was taking place would have been._

* * *

"Nate?"

Soon as she'd spoken his name his head had snapped up, it had been two days since she'd said so much as two words to him, or anyone for that matter. Lily and Bart had called worried that she'd run away. They'd both figured he'd know where she was, they didn't know that most of the drama stemmed from him, he was the reason she'd decided to run. Nate hated the fact that he'd been told by her biological mother not to call the cops and get them involved. He hated the fact that Bart and Lily considered it teenage rebellion and decided not to do anything about it, they'd decided that she'd come back on her own. Though he was sure he'd have had the same reactions regardless that he now knew that she was his daughter or not. Zeylee had always been someone he watched out for; he just now knew what it was like to be a very worried father.

It was the first night Vanessa wasn't with him, that they weren't talking hours into the night. Talking about the things they'd done wrong in the past and the things that they'd do differently this time. Earlier in the afternoon he'd watched her board a plane to go get the rest of her things squared away so that she could be back in New York for good. Even as the clock ticked two o'clock an hour ago he was sure he hadn't slept for even a second. Both people who… no, all three people who mattered most to him. His mind was starting to go crazy till he heard her voice.

"Zey?"

Nate's head popped up and he turned on the light beside the bed as he sat up. Sure enough Zeylee was standing in the doorway. He watched her as the sixteen year old walked forward and perched on the edge of his bed. His eyes ran over his daughter, inspecting every inch to make sure she was ok. Though, it didn't much surprise him to see a big band aid on the side of her forehead, her hand that clenched tightly to white lamb with the frayed red bow had nothing but split knuckles. Usually, he wouldn't have worried about her so much, but, knowing this was his daughter he was looking at he was suddenly in over protective mode.

"Where have you been? What happened? Why didn't you call? Do you have any idea how worried about you we've been?"

The thirty-five year old male started to lecture his daughter sitting in front of him as he realized her eyes red and bloodshot. His mind started to panic as he watched her eyes fill up with water. She didn't say anything to him as she dove forward and started to sob on his shoulder. Nate was surprised at first, worry and panic were more than evident in his eyes as she wrapped his arms around the girl that he hadn't had a clue was his daughter more than a week ago. He held on tightly to her while she cried and sobbed in his arms, shaking and convulsing in tears, anger, hurt and confusion.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to worry you. I just had to get away for a while. I knew that Lily and Bart wouldn't care it just didn't cross my mind that you would, well, I mean as much as you do. I'm sorry… where's Vanessa? Is everything ok? She didn't run again did she?"

Zeylee whispered out as she attempted to pull away from Nate which didn't work to well. He'd always been the only one to care, but the worry that was in his voice, it was the same sound that came out of Dan's and Chuck's when one of their kids had done something wrong. To Zeylee it was more comforting then anything she'd heard before. The simple fact of knowing he was worried and knowing he cared made a week smile come to her face and a light shine to her eyes.

"It's ok Zey, you're here and safe. Vanessa's in LA picking up the rest of her stuff. She's sick out of her mind worrying about you though Zeylee. You have no idea what it's been like with you missing. I know you don't want to hear this Zeylee, but, you're our daughter. No matter what's gone on in our pasts or what we've done wrong I love her, you're the proof of that and, you might not believe it now but we love you."

Zeylee pulled away from him then and wiped her eyes but she didn't try to dispute it, she just nodded her head and bit on the poor lamb's ear, a stuffed animal that had had plenty of surgery on its ears over the past sixteen years to stop the stuffing from coming out.

"I think I need your cell phone."

Looking at her confused he took his cell phone off of the night stand beside them and handed it to her. She didn't say anything to him as she hit the talk button and smiled when the number she was looking for came up right away, she wasn't even surprised. It might have been twelve at night where she was calling but she wasn't worried that she was going to wake anyone up. From the look on Nate's face when she'd first gotten to his place the person that would be on the other end of the line would still be awake also. Sure enough the phone to her ear had hardly gotten through a first ring when it was picked up.

"Please tell me you're calling because you've heard something. My mind is going crazy here Nate, I don't know how much longer I can take without cracking. I just want to know that she's safe somewhere. It's making me sick."

It was right there that she knew for sure not to question where she got her overly worried tendencies from. She'd been missing in action for just about forty-eight hours and already they'd both been pulling their hair out of their heads. Being so worried about wasn't something she'd ever been used to unless it came to Nate's lectures and Anne's of course. She stayed quiet on the other line for a few moments trying to find her voice to talk again.

"Vanessa? It's ok… I'm at Nate's."

Nate studied every bit of Zeylee's facial expression as she open and shut her eyes speaking quietly and carefully. She really was every bit like Vanessa, he couldn't figure out why he hadn't seen it before.

* * *

"Dude, she never should have taken you back, regardless of how much she loved you. You were a complete ass to her I'm not going to lie."

Nate watched his smartassed sixteen year old daughter as she laid in the middle of the living room floor on her stomach mixing together the cookie dough and pistachio ice cream, with a side of Reeses Puffs in her bowl. It drove him crazy, how hadn't he seen Vanessa in her? He'd cleaned the gash on her forehead and wrapped her wrist and knuckles earlier in the evening while she retold him the story of her fight with the cement wall. So she had a bit of a tempter also, least she didn't go around picking fist fights. She'd never heard him sound more like a father then he did while he bandaged her up. Though she had a hanging suspicion it was only because she knew he actually was her father that he actually sounded like it now. He'd seemed far more lecture like then he had before while he did it. It had taken her a week to come to terms with it, a week to sort of feelings of anger and rage but she'd done it. She'd spent the week at the summer home in Florida Lily and Bart had bought thinking it would make her happy if she could go there with a nanny when she demanded. Of course it hadn't mattered even a little bit, Zeylee hadn't ever liked being babysat by nannies. She'd always been far more content being within the company of Nate and Anne, maybe she should have figured out back then why. That was all part of the past now and she was attempting to come to terms with it.

"I can't believe you left her for Blair, what were you thinking? The plastic Botox injected housewife who wants nothing more than for her kids to be the model of perfection and achieve all of the things she never did. She's a bitch, all offence intended, I hate her. God and I can only imagine if you'd married her… You know I'd want nothing to do with you right? ew! I really don't know what the hell you could have been thinking at that time. I mean, she's so… Blair"

Zeylee shuttered as she took another spoonful and held it to her mouth for a second as she started at him. Laying back on the couch with his eyes shut. He looked peaceful and comfortable, it was the first time as a matter of fact, and she'd never seen him as relaxed as he was. It was nice to see, nice to know that Nate knew how to be calm and content without his mind preoccupied.

"I was young and stupid, what more can I say about it?"

Never opening his eyes he replied to her. Things felt like they were the same yet so different at the same time. He felt comfortable and relieved, sixteen years worth of anger weren't erased but they were eased. Other then the fit his mother had thrown on him, and the fact that he had to call Vanessa every hour while she was out of town just to know that she hadn't run he was pretty at peace with everything. Of course the anger was there, it wasn't something that just faded. He hadn't expected the next move that came flying through the ear and landed just short of his nose. He could hear the laughing before he'd even opened his eyes to confirm what it was from.

"Zeylee Natalya"

He shuttered and refused to finish her last name off now as he brushed the ice cream off of his cheek and opened his eyes. She'd already stood up and flittered around the back of the couch standing up and holding the spoon over his head as she watched it melt off and land on him again. Before her reflexes could take over and she could move her arm Nate had grabbed her wrist.

"Oh no… no let me go, game over now"

Knowing his next move she attempted to twist away from him and run away which didn't work all too well. Still holding onto her wrist gently he pulled her into the kitchen.

"You started this one"

Nate smirked just as he always had when she was his sister figure, he pulled her into the kitchen with her complaining and laughing as she did the best she could to get away. Finally getting free of his grasp she spun away from him and opened the door of the fridge taking out a water bottle.

"Do it and I swear, I will throw it at you"

Zeylee warned as she unscrewed the cap of the bottle and eyed him intently as he walked to the sink and turned on the water. She used the fridge door as a barrier between the both of them as she peaked out to watch his moves. It was taking everything she had to control her laughter and keep a straight face as she could tell it was the same for him. That was when she noticed his eyes, they were her eyes. Her eyes and her dimples had come right from him.

"Maria's going to kill you if she has to come in here and clean up a river Nate, think you next action through very carefully. If you start this war mock my words I'll be the one to…"

A talker like Vanessa, Nate noticed it right away as he pressed down the extender for the sink and sprayed it right over the door of the fridge. He listened to her scream as the water hit her and he laughed, yea, her scream even showed it. he had to have been lost in thoughts to long as she fired back with the water bottle she'd been threatening with before he'd sprayed her. It tore him out of his frozen thoughts again as he picked up the sprayer to aim at her again as she hurried out of the way to hide on the other side of the fridge again.

"Looks like those reflexes are showing their age Nate"

Zeylee teased as she stuck her head out and stuck her tongue out at him only to pull herself back in as he pressed the button to spray the water out again. This time though, the water flew past her with enough distance to hit the opening door and wet the person who was coming into the apartment. She let out a slight scream from the cold and both Zeylee and Nate dropped their weapons, both soaking went as they stood up straight like kids who'd just been yelled at for doing something wrong. They both looked at each other for a second before looking at Vanessa who's tee shirt was now soak and wet as she stood in the doorway. They could both tell she was doing everything she could not to burst out laughing too. In a way the water made everything comfortable and for a second in time, the most important things in their lives were right in front of them, regardless of how scattered and broken it all was. it was still the things that mattered, Zeylee wasn't the odd one that belonged nowhere anymore.

* * *


End file.
